Airing of Grievances: “ZAYN”

Dear “ZAYN,”

I don’t even know where to begin.

Spring of last year, your decision to essentially ruin my life with your pseudo-mid-life crisis, quitting teen pop sensation One Direction and brutally dumping long-term fiancee and general queen Perrie Edwards sent me into a tailspin. I spent long nights questioning my mere existence, praying that with time you would find peace.

I will be silenced by my love for you no longer. “ZAYN,” we need to have a talk.

I’m physically unable to lie and say that I don’t love “PILLOWTALK.” If I tried to claim I haven’t had it on repeat all day, every day, since its fateful midnight release, the ever-powerful boy band gods would probably smite me right now.

I still have plenty of issues, however, both with the song and that absolute travesty you call a “music video.”

Let’s start with your blatant attempt to prove to the world the very obvious fact that, you, as an absurdly hot, teen pop star dating an absurdly hot Victoria’s Secret model, have sex. Congrats, “ZAYN.” Do you want some kind of medal? We didn’t need all the not-so-subtle flower placement in the music video to remind us that you’re getting some.

While we’re on the subject of your absurdly hot Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend, I have three words. We get it. Briskly skipping over how rude you are being to aforementioned long-term fiancee and general queen Perrie Edwards, nobody needs three minutes and 27 seconds of you making out with your girlfriend. Seriously, nobody needs that.

For that matter, nobody needs you running around giving endless interviews trashing the band that gave you life and thinking you are so clever for announcing the drop of your new album on the one-year anniversary that you quit One Direction.

“ZAYN,” don’t think for a second that your all-new, all-caps monosyllabic nickname will make us forget that One Direction is the only reason you are famous.

Need I remind you during your stint on “The X Factor,” you almost dropped off the show because you were too afraid to dance and without the help of those four boys you now continually trash on every major media outlet, you would be just another hopeful musician lost in the crowd?

I didn’t think so.

With love,

Not mad, just disappointed (but maybe a little bit mad)