FULLABALOO: Tulane University buys neighboring Loyola University in effort to improve statistics

Michael Chen & Amy Nankin, Associate News Editors

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This article is for The Fullabaloo, The Hullabaloo’s satirical April Fool’s issue. The information and interviews below are completely fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Earlier today, Tulane University President Michael Fitts announced a plan that would transform the future of the school. Thanks to his “Only the Audacious” campaign, Fitts declared that next fall Tulane would be making a $500 million purchase to acquire the neighboring Loyola University New Orleans.

“By purchasing Loyola University, Tulane can now take more audacious steps in the future and manifest our destiny,” Fitts said. “I can envision a revolutionized campus that would work not for oneself, but for one’s own.”

Tulane, which currently struggles with a lack of campus diversity, is now able to make drastic changes to the core population of the university. The undergraduate population of Loyola University, where 38 percent of freshmen are people of color, will become full-time Tulane students next fall, thus improving Tulane’s statistic where currently only 26 percent are people of color.

“We are extremely excited to have more inclusivity on campus,” John Diversity, straight white male director of Audacious Diversity, said. “An increase of our ethnic minority community on campus will definitely strengthen Tulane’s attractiveness and improve our rankings.”

Furthermore, this purchase brings to campus new spaces that would greatly improve the lifestyle of Tulane students. From a third Bruff Dining Hall to a Zatarain’s restaurant, the renovation of this new 26-acre space has already begun.

“Loyola’s five residence halls will be renovated to fit the needs of our Tulane students,” Will Housing, third cousin of John Diversity and Tulane’s director of Housing and Residence Life, said. “We will be able to build a new freshman housing quad closer to the Academic Quadrangle so students don’t have to Uber each time it rains.”

In addition to five new residence halls, Tulane has also announced a new building complex for business school students. Fashioned after the A.B. Freeman School of Business’ Goldring/Woldenberg Business Complex, the new school will be exclusively for business majors. The school will renovate Loyola’s Marquette Hall into an accessible space for business students to have classes, study, relax and juul.

“I had a microeconomics test last week and I couldn’t find anywhere to study in the current business school,” legal studies, finance and marketing triple major Ally B. Freeman said. “I didn’t have enough room to lay out all my graphing calculators because all of the tables were being occupied by English students claiming they had some important paper to write, so I’m super excited for this new building.”

From the opening of The Commons, to a newer and larger campus, Tulanians have much to be excited for when they return to campus next fall. It has been rumored, however, that the university is somehow low on funds for the coming school year. In order to bolster the budget, the administration has made fail-safe plans to keep the school afloat.

“Since these changes have been incredibly costly, the university must take drastic action,” George Diversity, brother of John Diversity and Tulane’s vice president of Enrollment Management, said. “Our board is currently discussing a 40 percent rise in tuition for all students, prospective and current, for the 2020-21 school year. With more land and amenities, a tuition increase is the only thing that makes logical sense.”

While Tulane students seem to be generally excited for these new plans, there has been no comment from Loyola students or its administration.