FULLABALOO | Tulane dining announces return of Panera to LBC

Mr. Brightside, Sportsball Editor

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

In a move that is definitely real and not a joke, Tulane University announced that Panera Bread will return to the Lavin-Bernick Center, citing student outrage as the driving factor behind their decision. (Panera Gay)

Tulane University Dining Services has announced a slew of changes for the start of the 2023-2024 school year. Among them, Panera Bread will be returning to the Lavin-Bernick Center food court. The announcement comes about a year after the LBC removed Panera Bread in favor of Dunkin’ Donuts.

“We are excited to bring back Panera Bread to our campus after a year’s absence,” Director of Dining Services Jadii Joseph said.

“Tulane Dining has listened to the community about the change to Dunkin’ Donuts, and we would like to think that this move will be a popular move for the students. We continually strive to provide world class dining options for our community, and we hope that bringing back Panera Bread will help us to achieve this goal.”

Panera will replace Zatarain’s Kitchen but will offer a limited menu to accommodate the smaller space it has to work with. 

Tulane Dining announced that they will be hoping to add the New Orleans restaurant back in the future, although there are no concrete plans for how this may happen.

These changes are part of a larger strategy from the university to promote healthy living. 

Last year, Tulane’s downtown campus added Bowlin’ n Rollin’ while the Reily Student Recreation Center has expanded its weight room programming to attract more beginner weight lifters.

In a statement released by Tulane Dining last Friday, several students were anonymously interviewed about the change from Panera Bread to Dunkin’ Donuts about a week after the initial first announcement. 

After seeing such a negative reaction, Tulane Dining has been discretely trying to bring the popular restaurant back to campus, even in a limited capacity.

Tulane Dining has also announced that Pepsi products will replace Coke products in all of Tulane’s dining facilities. 

Although Tulane Dining’s official reasoning emphasizes the advantageous nature of the new deal with Pepsi that will include the installation of more vending machines across campus which will sell healthy beverage alternatives, some observers have noted that the university will save substantial money by making the switch. 

These observers use the fact that Dr. Pepper will no longer be carried as evidence of the cost cutting measure, but university officials will cite the drink’s high sugar content as the reason for dropping the iconic drink.

In related news, the University of Loyola-New Orleans Dining Services has announced that Starbucks will be torn down. 

At this time, there are currently no candidates for replacements, although several potential options have been leaked. 

The frontrunner candidate is currently PJ’s Coffee, although The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf  is also in contention. 

Many within Loyola’s administration are also strongly considering inviting a tea shop as an alternative or even making the campus caffeine free entirely.

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