FULLABALOO | ‘Screw Football’: Arch Manning commits to Tulane basketball

Ol'Pis Gotohel, Chief Ole Miss Hater

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

With LSU, Alabama, Ole Miss, Georgia and Texas helmets in front of him, No. 1 football recruit Arch Manning shocked the entire country (and probably made his entire family really mad) when he announced his commitment to Tulane basketball. (Delivery Man)

After years of speculation about where Arch Manning would wind up playing college football, the New Orleans native shocked the country today when he said, “Screw football — I’m committing to play basketball at Tulane University, and I’m keeping my talents here in Uptown New Orleans.”

By coming to Tulane, Manning is breaking family tradition by not following in his father’s, grandfather’s and uncle’s steps to the University of Mississippi. “I think not being set on a mascot is part of the reason why Arch decided to not come to Oxford,” Ole Miss head coach Lane Kiffin said. “I mean what even are we? Are we the Black Bears? The Landsharks? I thought we got rid of Colonel Reb more than 10 years ago, but everyone still calls us the Rebels.”

Ole Miss’s mascot indecisiveness actually had a lot to do with Manning’s decision. “They most recently became the Landsharks … Have you ever even seen a shark on land?” Manning said. “My jump shot is wet like water, so I’m more of an ocean guy anyways. Roll, wave.”

Manning, the five-star quarterback recruit out of Isidore Newman School in New Orleans, is the No. 1 football prospect nationally for the Class of 2023 according to 247Sports and has been drawing the attention of major schools for years. He holds football offers from traditional powerhouses including the Alabama Crimson Tide, LSU Tigers, Texas Longhorns and Georgia Bulldogs

Manning chose Tulane because the university embodies his work-hard-play-hard mentality. All of Manning’s top choices were top party schools, but according to Niche, Tulane is the No. 1 party school in America. Tulane has also been ranked No. 1 in “Most Engaged in Community Service” according to the Princeton Review, and Manning plans to add to Tulane’s community service efforts by “making Tulane sports more enjoyable.”

“We wanted Arch to be the next quarterback at the University of Alabama, but our checks didn’t clear,” Nick Saban angrily said, a seven-time national champion and coach of the other oceanic team fighting for Manning. “He’s asking us for a lot more than a new beamer to play football here.” 

While a top prospect in football, Manning was not on the radar of basketball recruiters. However, Tulane head basketball coach Ron Hunter is thrilled that Manning is going to continue to ball out Uptown. “He’s not a highly ranked prospect in basketball, but we’re not a highly ranked team,” Hunter said. “Forget LeBron James. Arch Manning is the chosen one, and he will lead Tulane basketball to glory.”

Tulane basketball has not participated in March Madness since 1995, nearly 10 years before Manning entered this world and just a few years after the program’s restart following a three-year hiatus due to NCAA violations

Manning contends that his decision to come to Tulane was “one hundred percent [his] own” and thus the NCAA, or what Manning describes as “the epitome of cancel culture,” has no reason to probe Tulane for compliance infractions relating to his recruitment.  

Tulane football coach Willie Fritz is offended that Manning chose Ron Hunter over him. “We went 2-10 last season including eight straight losses, so I think it’s only fair that the football team gets Arch,” Fritz said. In response to Fritz, Manning said, “Tulane football is past the point of saving. Losing 61-21 to Ole Miss is pathetic.”

What separates Manning on the basketball court is obviously his passing ability. Manning’s quarterback skill set helps him drop dimes everywhere like he just doesn’t care. His favorite thing to do is rocket deep passes to open teammates on fast breaks.

Since he doesn’t have to wear a helmet to hoop, Manning is able to pick up dimes while dropping them also. At 6-foot-4, 215 pounds, Manning will be the tallest male student at Tulane when he arrives. 

When asked if he would ever return to the football field, Manning said he has not ruled out the sport. Although he will not be saving Tulane football, Manning would like to return to the gridiron to save the New Orleans Saints after he saves Green Wave basketball.

“My grandfather played for the Ain’ts,” said Manning. “The Saints were so bad back in his day that the fans used to wear paper bags over their heads.” Arch is not the first Manning with dreams to play for his hometown team. “My uncle Peyton aspired to be the Saints’ quarterback when he was my age. Luckily he was able to throw the game winning touchdown for the Saints in the Super Bowl.”

Although Peyton Manning was the quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts in that game, he threw a late pick-six to Tracy Porter to give the Saints their first world championship. Considering the fact that Arch’s other uncle, Eli, was Tom Brady’s kryptonite in two Super Bowl victories with the New York Giants, the sky is truly the limit for Manning. 

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