Dear People Incapable of Responding in a Timely Manner,

How simple life would be without you — unfortunately, in our age of digital communication, you are everywhere. Maybe if we still relied on snail mail or telegrams or, I don’t know, the Pony Express, there would be some excuse for your actions. I wouldn’t expect an immediate response. But I’m too accustomed to instant gratification for that now.

You come in so many forms. Teachers not responding to emails, friends not responding to texts and parents not responding to phone calls. Do you understand the strain you are putting on everyone else — most importantly, me?

Teachers,

There are countless times where I have emailed you and you haven’t responded. I understand that you’re busy, but so am I — hence the email. You’re always saying how you are available over email, and now it’s time to prove it. These are not last minute emails. These are my humble requests for clarification, sent well ahead of time. When I come in to class the next day and you still have not answered, you leave me in the dark, especially during lecture classes, where I won’t even have a chance to even ask my question, lest I break the incredibly awkward silence of us students.

Friends,

C’mon. We are supposed to be buddies. I am just asking to hangout. If you’re busy I won’t be mad — just hit me up with a response every once in a while. When I see that you viewed my Snapstory, or even had the audacity to like my Instagram post, it stings. Now every time I see you, I’m just going to resent you a tiny bit, and that isn’t fun for either of us.

Parents, 

SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS? THE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY CALL YOU DON’T ANSWER? You call me 50 times a day, and if I don’t pick up one time I am in deep, definite trouble. I make the effort to call you once a month and you without fail never pick up. Something is seriously wrong here.

There will always be a small part of me that wants to lose my mind every time I think about all the ways you disappoint me.

In the end, though, I love each of you despite your glaring inadequacies. If you are out there reading this, take a second. Look introspectively at whether or not you are this person.

And then reply to my damn text.

Not So Passive Aggressively Yours,

Timely Responder