Dear ripped guy playing Spikeball on the quad,

Look, I know our kinds never got along well. I was the chubby kid in middle school who got picked last for kickball, and you were the guy doing the picking. That doesn’t mean we have to fight now. I just have a very simple request: Please put your shirt back on.

I mean no disrespect to you and your activities. I’m truly glad you look so happy, carefree and muscular. It’s great that you have so much joy in your life! I’m really, genuinely happy for you. That being said, I would really appreciate it if you threw your Vineyard Vines tee back on and vacated the quad. I’m getting pretty sick of looking at your perfect physique, glistening with sweat in the sun. 

Here’s the thing: When I’m walking across the quad to class, armpits stained with sweat, wearing my skin-tight Green Day shirt from the eighth grade, gut bulging, your shredded abs feel a bit like a slap to the face. Yes, maybe I need to get to the gym more, but you could at least meet me halfway. 

Or at least if you’re going to flaunt your sick bod, don’t do it on the Bruff Quad of all places. I know you mean no harm, but it feels like an insult to showcase your fatless stomach to me right after I finish eating three slices of Bruff pizza, breadsticks and a Rice Krispies treat. What happens in that cafeteria is supposed to be between me and my God, not you and your sweet gains. 

Okay, also, I know I said I meant no disrespect to your activities, but I can’t hold back anymore. Spikeball is quite possibly the stupidest game in existence, next to Frisbee golf and speedwalking. If you want to bounce a ball so badly, buy a tennis racket and book a court at Reily. 

Don’t you have other things to do on a Tuesday afternoon than throw a plush ball against a net? Isn’t there, like, an educational component to attending Tulane? I could be wrong, but I think most people spend some amount of time doing homework every day. But what do I know? I’m just a nerd with a slightly-above-average body mass index and an inferiority complex. What I am sure of is that I have studying to do, and your impressively swole bod is getting in the way.

Sincerely,

Shirtless Spikeball Sorrows