This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

For basketball, it’s transfer portal season, and in two weeks, it opens again for football! While for top programs such as the University of Alabama football and Duke University basketball, this window is an exciting opportunity to spend top dollar on the best available talent in order to make a title run, for the Green Wave it’s normally grabbing the top leftovers: players leaving a Power Four team for more playing time. Until now… 

In order for the Green Wave to reach the ultimate goal of competing for a national title, the Fear the Wave collective has started a new initiative, building the first non-profit drug empire, with all proceeds going to the FTW NIL collective. 

Of course, for the business to operate smoothly, without interference from the IRS and DEA. They need a front to mask their operation. Luckily for them, Halal Shack has graciously opened its doors, cutting off a section of their kitchen to be fully dedicated to drug manufacturing. While a lot of money has been spent to make sure the meth lab has peak conditions and level of operation, it pales in comparison to the long term profits on the way. As far as ordering goes, just replace your Halal Shack “filling” with whichever drug you want, and the product will be hidden right in your bowl! 

The meth lab and full drug empire is hoping to open its doors in February 2026. This timing could not be more perfect, aligning with both the football portal opening and, more importantly, whippet season for Mardi Gras! 

With what is sure to be massive profits coming in, there’s no telling what future Green Wave rosters will look like: Maybe the next Cooper Flagg or even 2026’s Cam Ward might fall into Tulane’s lap. We can even get custom weekly uniforms except with even better colors than the Oregon Ducks; who can beat that?!