Dear Girl Dancing with My Crush at the Boot,

To quote the great Kelly Kapoor: “I have a lot of questions. Number one: how dare you?”

Listen, I’m going to try to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe, somehow, because we’ve never met, you have no idea who I am (and I am in fact lurking in the shadows to death-glare at you from across the room), you missed the fact that the boy you’re dancing with is my legal property. Maybe. But probably not.

I don’t know what wolves raised you, but where I’m from, we don’t just swoop in and steal a man who is clearly marked as another woman’s territory.

And I just don’t understand how you wouldn’t know he was my territory. I mean, I told only my two best friends in the entire world that I have a crush on him. So, yeah, you probably should’ve known.

But this isn’t even just about me. I have to say something on the behalf of My Crush.

Do you not see that you are distracting him from the woman of his dreams? Can’t you tell, from your five minutes of awkward fast-grinding, that he’s clearly in love with another woman? Did you somehow miss the intensity that blazed in his eyes when he looked over at me? (And yes, he was looking at me, not checking the score of whatever sports game is on the TVs right now.)

Here I stand, the obvious future Mrs. My Crush, yet he is nowhere to be found. Somehow you pulled him in with your vixen-like siren call. I’d like to blame your sparkling eyes, stunning smile and charming personality, but I’m pretty sure there’s some witchcraft at work here.

You were not on the agenda for tonight. At this point in my carefully planned evening, My Crush was supposed to be realizing that what he really wanted in a significant other was a combination of below-average dancing skills, a lack of interest in working out and a slightly off-putting personality.

Yet, here we are. And here we are going to stay, because if you think you’re leaving with My Crush, you clearly don’t understand the gravity of this situation.

Sincerely,

A Girl in Love