Dear Women’s Clothing,

Could you tell me where I could find the pockets? I’m having some trouble locating them. I know where they should be. All logic tells me I should be able to slide my hands down my sides and, boom, there’s a cozy little pocket waiting to hold all of my hopes and dreams. I mean, I’m wearing jeans, arguably one of the most pocket-appropriate items of clothing. So where the hell are the pockets?

Men get pockets. Men get pockets on pockets on pockets. Have you seen cargo shorts? The whole thing is basically a giant pocket. Men even get pockets on their shirts. They can hold pens, Apple iPhones, Apple iPads, real apples, keys to the patriarchy, you name it. Yet, here I am, clumsily holding in my hands my phone, some loose change and my disappointment.

But, do you know what’s even worse than not having pockets at all? Fake pockets. What is that B.S.? I’ve never looked at a piece of clothing and said “wow I love the look of that pocket, but let’s think less.” If you’re going to take the time to stitch the framework of a pocket onto my pants, just finish the job.

Nothing brings a more joyful tear to my eye than discovering a dress has pockets. It’s like opening presents on Christmas morning. Dresses with pockets are the real heroes. They go above and beyond. Nothing is expected of them; dresses just have to hang there. There are, however, the few, the brave, the proud, who have the boldness and fortitude to include pockets.

Let’s revolutionize the women’s clothing industry. Bring back cargo skirts and women’s cargo pants. I want cargo jackets, cargo shirts, cargo hats, cargo bras. Give me pockets: big, deep pockets. I want to put on a pair of pants and think “why would I possibly need this much storage space on my body?”

Can you work on that for me?

Sincerely,

Pocket Protector