Dear Halloween,

Believe me when I say we used to be friends. As a kid, nothing was better than free candy, especially when all I had to do was play dress-up. But now, as an adult, you’re nothing more than an uncomfortable polyester hellscape.

I get your appeal, I really do. Scaring small children, supporting the booming decoration industry, getting drunk for essentially no reason — that’s all great and dandy, but the fact of the matter is I’m sick and tired of your antics. I can drink without wearing a dead-eyed Nixon mask or an itchy, ill-fitting fake cop uniform. And those are some of the tamer costumes. Do you know what I saw at Halloween last year? Sexy Li’l Sebastian. Li’l Sebastian is a miniature horse, and deserves more respect than that.

Li’l Sebastian is a symbol of the purity and innocence of miniature horses everywhere, and a “sexy” version of him only points to the larger issue of Halloween: completely inappropriate costumes. Just a few days ago, a company released their “sexy” Donald Trump costume. Let’s get one thing clear: unless you are overcome by uncontrollable horniness when you hear the phrase “Make America Great Again” or start quivering from institutionalized, federal-level racism, there’s really nothing sexy about Trump.

Maybe I’m bitter from when I was a child forced to dress in a “Wizard of Oz” group costume and got mistaken as the witch (I was a rather effeminate scarecrow, thanks to my mom’s lackluster sewing skills), or maybe I’m over people using this holiday to justify blackface. I’m upset at the fact that I’m expected to exert more effort in my costume for lesser reward. Candy has been replaced by cover charges, overpriced cocktails and a constant effort to get hammered without vomiting on my Slytherin tie again. (I’m still convinced one of those stains didn’t come from me.)

I’m sorry, Halloween. Sorry that I view you more as the sad, soggy and rotting jack-o’-lanterns people refuse to remove from their porches. Sorry that I’d rather buy discount chocolate than try to come up with a creative costume I don’t have to constantly explain to people who don’t understand my reference. Sorry that you aren’t what you used to be to me.

Best regards,

The Man Totally Over the Mask