Dear Confused Colonists,

I can handle you driving on the wrong side of the road, your childish refusal to see gin as the mother’s milk it is and even living in a city founded by dirty Frenchmen. I cannot, however, handle the blatant disrespect to crown and country that is the intolerable slack-jawed phrase: “Who’s Helen Mirren?”

First of all, that is Dame Helen Mirren to you. Second of all, how dare you? Helen Mirren, the woman second-best known for being the Queen of England. Helen Mirren, Oscar winner for her immaculate performance in “The Queen.” Helen bloody Mirren, who is one measly Grammy Award away from an EGOT.

Oh, and by the way, the Emmy, Oscar and Tony are all for her portrayal of Queen Elizabeth II. This woman’s portrayal of the queen is so dead-on that if the old bag passed no one would notice because Helen Mirren could just step in.

I suppose one could argue they’re not a fan of contemporary history biopics. Parry, Helen Mirren has elevated not one, not two, but three lowbrow action films to the level of high society film. “Red,” “Red 2” and “National Treasure: Book of Secrets” would be nothing without the regal grace that is Helen Mirren.

I would say that overlooking one of the greatest stars of stage and screen is immature, but no. Children know better because Helen Mirren’s angel song of a voice provided the characterizations of Dean Hardscrabble in Disney-Pixar’s “Monsters University,” and The Queen in “Prince of Egypt.” The woman is so bloody regal she played a different country’s queen with the same unwavering perfection that she has always blessed audiences with.

So for you to look me in the eye with your weirdly straight teeth, and ask “was she in James Bond? Or Devil Wears Prada?” I want to backhand you so hard that your mother and her husband feel it. You halfwit. Those are Dame Judi Dench and Meryl Streep, respectively. They are entirely different yet also immense acting talents. While I’m sure they meet up for tea on occasion, they are not the same person.

You have pushed me well past composed, and I will not stand for it. While I try to regain my poise, educate yourself on the unrivaled wonder that is Helen Mirren. Good day.

Sincerely,

Pissed Posh

P.S. Watch a bloody film for once in your life.