Arcade is proud to introduce its newest column: Awkward Sex Stories.

*Flamin’ Desiya is a pseudonym for the subject of the story as her real stage name may become notable at some point.  (Probably not, but I think the past year has proven to all of us that anything can happen.)

It was a hot Sunday evening, and the last text I received from my Tinder date vaguely said something about picking up Xanax for a friend.

After an hour and 40 minutes of waiting, I sincerely doubted I was going to get laid. Just as I began to lose hope, there was a knock at my front door.

I made my first blunder within 30 seconds: referring to her by her given name.

“I actually prefer Flamin’ Desiya. It’s my rap name.”

We went back to my room and I suggested playing some music to set the mood. Trying to make a good impression on the apparent local celebrity in my house, I offered to let her pick a playlist. Or so I thought.

Instead Flamin’ Desiya decided what better time to listen to her new EP than during sex. What came next is something I can only describe as a mixture of D-list Young M.A. and Sia if Sia couldn’t sing in key.

Her head bobbed along to the rhythm of the song, and, to make matters worse, every time a particularly “good” verse of hers would play, she would pause, regardless of what she was doing, and rap along. This didn’t exactly help the whole sex situation.

The song played about three and a half times before I had the sense to get up and change it to SZA.  In the meantime, Flamin’ Desiya made herself at home and looked around the room. After realizing I had a massive Peruvian flag hanging in the corner, she tried to make some conversation.

“So do you, like, speak Spanish?”

“Um yeah.”

“Can you call me daddy, but in Spanish?”

“You mean ‘papi?'”

“Yeah.”

The night only went downhill from there.

Insisting that I read to her in Spanish, I glanced at my bookshelf in panic and grabbed the only Spanish language book I had, “The Open Veins of Latin America,” a political science text.  

Despite not understanding a single word, she seemed to be pretty into it. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for myself.

Right when I finally was starting to get into it, Flamin’ Desiya decided to really turn up the heat and make an attempt at some dirty talk.

“Damn, I didn’t know they built y’all like this.”

I had so many questions. Who is y’all? Where are we built? What did she mean by built?

“You’re so small, but you’re so thicc. You’re just so spicy.”

Ah yes, exotification. I no longer had any questions.

At this point in the night, I was tired, annoyed and still lacking in the orgasm department. The novelty of having sex with an F-list celebrity had worn off, and I was ready to go to bed.

Not wanting to be rude, I hinted that I had to get up extremely early the next day and it would probably be better if she left. She didn’t quite get the hint. So, I made an executive decision and kicked her out at about 6 a.m.  

I think it’s safe to say Flamin’ Desiya will not be making an encore appearance in my bedroom anytime soon.  

All Awkward Sex Stories contributors will remain anonymous to protect from attempted future booty calls.

If you have an awkward sex story that you would like to share, please email [email protected]