Dear Lactose Intolerants,

For many Tulane students, Bruff is more than a cafeteria. It is a home, a social gathering place, a center for the Tulane community. Nothings brings college students together like good food, good friends and, above all, good dessert. When it comes to dessert, the sheer variety of options is impressive. Students can choose between ice cream, cookies, cake, pie, brownies and sometimes even Rice Krispies treats. But no dessert is complete without one essential commodity: whipped cream.

Unfortunately, Bruff fails to provide whipped cream on a regular basis. Such an atrocious oversight of the administration cannot be tolerated. I realize the administration has a tight budget; however, I see whipped cream as an investment. What better way to bribe smart white kids to attend Tulane than to provide free whipped cream with every meal?

As far as I can tell, Bruff’s food budget is not particularly tight. Bruff boasts eight types of cereal, six types of coffee, five kinds of milk, four ice cream flavors, three icee flavors, chocolate chips, cherries and pink lemonade but no whipped cream. What’s the point of putting chocolate chips and cherries on your ice cream if there’s no whipped cream? That’s like having cereal with no milk, or worse, fries with no ketchup. That’s downright un-American. Plus, if there’s no whipped cream, what am I supposed to put on my nipples?

Imagine the possibilities: freshly-pressed waffles smothered in whipped cream and butter; creamy hot chocolate topped with a foamy layer of whipped cream; ice cream sundaes with whipped cream, chocolate syrup, chocolate chips and Maraschino cherries. It would be like having your very own kiddie meal at IHOP. More adventurous students might be willing to try whipped cream and chocolate chips on celery sticks, a fun, raisin-less twist to “ants on a log.” For less creative students, the classic glass of whipped cream is always an option.

To be fair, Bruff occasionally provides whipped cream for certain desserts, such as angel food cake or brownies. But these occasions are few and far between. I demand consistency — consistency of the fluffy, creamy variety. Whipped cream must become a staple of our diet, as synonymous with Bruff as undercooked vegetables, uncomfortable metal chairs and brief, awkward social interactions. As a community, we must put aside our differences and stand up for our right to whipped cream with every meal.

Sincerely,

Bare-nippled dessert enthusiast