This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

After careful consideration of Tulane University’s tight budget and environmental impact, Tulane Dining Services said they plan to finally reintroduce dishwashers to their facility in fall 2022. Since the destruction of beloved Bruff Commons in 2018, Tulane has been a “wash-free” campus. 

“I’m sure people know this, but we’ve just been using the campus cats to clean the dishes. We got a whole staff in the back and everything. They’re some of the hardest workers I’ve ever seen,” Fodexo employee Eden Wright  said. 

But according to one anonymous Commons cat worker, the unhygienic work environment became unbearable. “They took our litter boxes and repurposed them as soaking bins for dirty utensils. Where else am I gonna go, you know? That’s when I knew I had enough.” 

Last month, after nearly every Commons cat resigned, Fodexo knew they needed to call on their manager for help. 

“People were starting to notice that the dishes were dirty, but we couldn’t do anything. We had no way to clean the dishes,” Wright said. 

Wesley Turnip, frozen food coordinator and Fodexo manager, said his team met to brainstorm possible solutions to the dirty dishes. After an 18 hour-long meeting, Turnip said he finally got it. 

“Dishwashers,” Turnip said. 

With over 4,000 students in and out of the Commons each day, Turnip estimates Tulane would need at least two working dishwashers to meet student needs.

“I was pushing for three, but Mike Heckler said we didn’t have the budget for that,” Turnip said.

Last year Tulane was awarded the Campus Sustainability Achievement Award along with $1 million. When asked where this money would go, Mike Heckler, vice assistant to the manager, said administration was still figuring that out.

“Off the record, we just don’t want to have to spend any more money on non-eco-friendly things like dishwashers. I was talking to president Schitts, and we’ve been playing with the idea of switching to eco-friendly balloons and banners for our next Donor’s Day. We’re all about being green here at Tulane,” Heckler said. 

This summer Tulane Dining Services will run a six-week training session in preparation for the new dishwashers. 

“I’m just really impressed with the resilience of this team,” Turnip said. “We’ve already bussed two groups to Loyola’s kitchen to practice with their washing appliances. I mean, I sure as heck don’t know how to work one of those things.” 

When asked if she knew about Tulane’s course of action until the installation of said dishwashers, Wright said the Commons was understaffed for adequate cleaning procedures.

“I gotta admit, though, it’s my favorite part of the job. Watching the dirty dishes come in on the conveyor belt. We kinda just do our best to make sure it looks like they’ve been cleaned, but really we just kinda send them back out after a good old fashioned spit and shine,” Wright said.

President Bike Schitts declined to comment on whether or not these measures were up to Louisiana Department of Health codes.