This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Tulane University students spend, on average, upwards of $80,000 to be part of an elite institution that offers an impressive set of resources: two (2) women’s bathrooms in Newcomb Hall, an on-campus dive bar, mold-infested dorms, ambiguous pan-Asian cuisine in the Lavin-Bernick Center for University Life and no recreational pool. At a college where students have so much, they still remain without one thing: decent wifi.

Tulane’s wifi network, titled “eduroam,” is the bane of all students’ existence. 

First of all, no one knows how to pronounce this strange moniker. Is it “ee-dee-you roam”? Is it “eh juh roam?” The vague name, that no Tulane student can be expected to decipher, likely exists to prevent the majority from making verbal references to the network and its quality. Does this sound suspicious yet? If not, don’t worry — it will. 

The network has been known to periodically stop working at random points during the school day, posing serious inconveniences to Tulane students. 

Occasionally, wifi stops working in the Goldring/Woldenberg Business Complex, which is absolutely unacceptable because dedicated B-school students can’t crunch numbers on excel sheets or make Raya accounts during important classes like “ACCN1000: How to Use a Calculator for Simple Addition.” 

Wifi has also been notably iffy in Newcomb Hall and on the Academic Quad, but those people use books and pictures instead of the internet anyways so who cares. 

Members of the Tulane community, during the most recent instance of “eduroam” failure, took to Fizz to express their grievances. 

“Is eduroam down for anyone else?” one user said. 

Another user posted, “WHATS GOIN ON WITH EDUROAM.”

One user made a recommendation: “engineering student fun project: make a better wifi network for us at tulane. We are down bad paying $80k a semester for [expletive] wifi.” 

At a school that happily takes obscene amounts of money from students and families, it seems preposterous, even impossible, that wifi — a basic human right of the upper class — is unstable on campus. 

Who benefits from business school students not being able to do their super important hard work doing whatever it is they do? The answer: Russian and Chinese governments. And, also Loyola and maybe UNO and Xavier and heck, let’s throw LSU in there too. Also, the Democrats and liberal arts students everywhere. 

Basically what is happening is that the forces are conspiring against business school students to lower the quality of their work that relies on wifi.

Tulane’s business students are the future of America. These individuals will become our world leaders. The men are short like Napoleon, which signals power and strength. Women, in their presentation power suits, are well-spoken like Hillary Clinton. We know how important internet servers were to her success. 

What I think is going on here, with this sub-par wifi, is that the haters are trying to stifle the inevitable success of the forward-thinking business school students. We all know that foreign governments benefit when America’s educated elites are prevented from being the best they can be. 

Further, other higher education institutions in Louisiana will rank higher if Tulane B-school students do worse. Democrats hate real learning, and liberal arts students have more time to read their “books” and figure out what ChatGPT is if business people are twiddling their thumbs waiting for “eduroam” to connect.

It must be the case that all these entities have conspired together, against Tulane B-school students specifically, to hack “eduroam” in the areas where they need wi-fi to do work. There may be little evidence to support this claim, but honestly, do we really need facts to make baseless claims about hoaxes? I think not. 

Students elsewhere on campus may complain about their inconsistent wifi, but they don’t matter because their work does not pay the big bucks. If I had to bet, bad wifi in dorms and in other academic buildings is mainly just due to poor connection. Tulane can only prioritize so many interests.