This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Vapes come in a variety of colors, shapes, sizes and flavors. For young adults everywhere, vapes exist as accessories, like bags or shoes or belts. Whether intentional or not, the vape you choose to carry with you gives the rest of the world important insights into who you are as a person. Not all vapes are created equal, so what you choose to use says more than you think about who you are, where you came from and what you like. Seasons and significant others come and go — but your vape choice is eternal. 

Juul

Juuls have been around since 2015. They’re the iPhone of vapes — sleek, simple, understated yet effective. If you’re into Juuls, you’re old school. But, “old school” takes on a variety of meanings. As a Juul user, you likely fit into one of the following tropes.

1. You probably listen to the Rolling Stones because you literally like them, and you’re known to double fist a Juul and a drunk cig in one hand with a Corona in the other. You wore clout goggles in 2016. You quote philosophers frequently and your “Dark Side of the Moon” vinyl is your prized possession. While you always opt for 5% menthol pods, you bought tobacco pods one (1) time out of pure desperation. You anxiously await your 10-year vape-a-versary and plan to throw yourself a party for the occasion. 
2. Class is the name of the game for you. You prefer clean, white sneakers and linen over maximalism. Whether it’s a simple chain or trademark small gold hoops, you like Juul for its aesthetic. You started nicotine for fun, but eventually your Juul became a crutch for the raging anxiety you developed during your time in private high school. You insist you’ll quit after college. 

Vuse

If a Vuse is your preferred vape, everything else was always too mainstream for you. You still follow meme accounts on Instagram and laugh at them daily — TikTok definitely isn’t downloaded on your phone. The Vuse you use is actually the one you bought your senior year of high school. You named it “Sparky.”  You still keep in contact with Jimmy, the 40-year old dude from your hometown mall’s smoke shop who sold you your first vape, which was a Suorin. You crave chaos but hate change. You spend your evenings dreaming about your long lost love — you ghosted her. 

Elf Bar

To be completely honest, people probably think you’re pretty normal, that is, until they take a look at your medicine cabinet, which is full of Benzodiazepines. You’ve either never had a significant other, or were involved in a seriously codependent high school relationship. You may have mommy or daddy issues. Even though you’re addicted to the Strawberry Pina Colada Elf Bar, your go-to drink at the bar is a Vodka Redbull. You tried that one Elf Bar that’s supposed to taste like Red Bull, but it just didn’t hit the same. If you Juuled in high school, you only used Mango or Cucumber pods. 

If you’re a male Elf Bar user, you’re in a frat. Your Greek affiliation will remain on your resume until your 40th birthday. You find yourself frequently reminiscing on the good old days when you were a pledge and your hair was buzzed. When you bring girls home, you point out the posters that are taped — not framed — on your walls: Biggie and Tupac on opposite sides of the room. 

Box Mod (???)

You are literally a 37-year-old undercover cop. Stop reading this.

Nicotine fiend

You are literally the worst type of person, ever. You never bought a nicotine-delivering cancer stick because you were deathly afraid of what your helicopter parents would do to you when they found it — they would have threatened to take away your Jeep. Instead of using your words to ask for someone’s nicotine, you make those awful little grabbing hand motions. Being outspoken is not your forte because you were bullied in middle school and then bullied people in high school. You have never — not even one time — offered to financially reimburse your friends for all the nicotine they buy but you use. When you Venmo people, the money comes out of your parents’ account. But when you request money, it goes into your personal checking account. 

Ex-Puff Bar user

Pour one out for our fallen heroes. Remember when we could literally get Puff Bars shipped to our houses, the purchase verified only by your IDGod fake ID? Occasionally, you’ll get your hands on an Elf Bar, or some other disposable vape, but nothing will ever compare to the O.M.G. Puff Bar that was glued to your hands, that is, until it was discontinued. You’re the only one who ever texts in your high school group chat, and you worry about your drinking habits.