This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

At Tulane University, we have a wide range of departments dedicated to researching an assortment of academic topics, from anthropology and linguistics to biology and physics — and now, we have a unique opportunity to research a new aspect of student life.

Over the past several months, our Uptown campus has been host to a motley of strange paranormal events, each of which has been weirder than the last. From the unexpected reanimation of bodies in the cadaver lab to the discovery of pyrokinetic magic in an organic chemistry lab, we are no longer strangers to the peculiar truth: Tulane is a hotbed of supernatural phenomena.

Numerous universities across the country have already begun to fund research into similar events — for instance, the Ghostbusting Research Program at Yale University, which has been plagued by phantom-like creatures for over two years.

There is also the ever-present threat of Methysius, a god-like being formed from the psionic energies of Tulane Greek life, who feeds on the psychic energy of partygoers and can only be appeased through darties and mixers.

Alongside Methysius is the mysterious entity known as the Fallen King, a dendriform creature located deep beneath Percival Stern Hall. Composed of an intricate network of bloody tendrils connected to an ever-beating crimson heart, the Fallen King is perhaps the most dangerous supernatural entity on campus, capable of influencing the minds of human beings through their dreams in order to lure them underground for nefarious purposes.

His influence is steadily rising, with more and more students being drawn to his resting place and being disintegrated and assimilated into his body, increasing his biomass and subsequently boosting his psychic abilities. It is advised that any and all students avoid Percival Stern Hall, lest the ancient voice of the Fallen King take hold.

As more and more people report sightings of hostile nine-legged organisms known as “enneapods” roaming campus in the early hours of the night and stealing the memories of students, leaving them unable to remember anything other than basic reflexes, the urgency of supernatural research is much more apparent than it has ever been.

In order to figure out how to coexist with our newly changed campus, we need to learn how it works and where these anomalies come from. I suggest we look into collaborating with research institutions that primarily deal with the kinds of phenomena that Tulane students have been experiencing — for instance, the Order of Hauron, a mysterious non-governmental organization dedicated to fighting supernatural entities and keeping beings like the Fallen King at bay since at least the 13th century CE.

Hopefully, we can work together to figure out how to move forward as a community, and to find ways to coexist with a campus overrun with strange and eldritch beasts.