This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

With many complaining of unfair, elitist recruitment practices, Tulane University has opted for a new approach. In lieu of sororities vying for the skinniest, richest girls this year, PNMs will fight to the death until a pool of victors remains. 

Tulane’s decision represents a leap towards equity, and other colleges nationwide should consider following suit. 

“We are deeply committed to ensuring all students have a fair shot to join Greek life organizations on campus. This decision reflects Tulane’s enduring meritocratic values,” said President Mike Feetz.

When incoming freshmen were asked if they would still participate in recruitment despite the existential threat it now poses, the answers were overwhelmingly positive. 

“Of course,” said incoming freshman Manhattanite Bershkowitz. Bershkowitz added that she will prepare by signing up for extra Barry’s Bootcamp classes in The Hamptons this summer.

When asked if she was scared of dying, Bershkowitz said she “isn’t intimidated by the suburban losers” she is up against. Bershkowitz’s parents expressed concern, but “want her to be happy.”

Sorority recruitment is not only essential to success in college, but to a happy and fulfilling life. 

“My life will be over if I don’t get Kappa anyway,” said incoming freshman Annie Popsicle.

Next year’s recruitment games will take place from Jan. 4-10. Participants have been advised to wear athleisure instead of formal attire. 

“May the odds be ever in your favor,” said Feetz.