This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

For a university that is ranked 16th most expensive in the nation, Tulane University simply is not doing enough to live up to its elite reputation. After being kicked out of the spotlight by losing No. 1 party school status, Tulane must find other prestigious titles in order to build reputation and national attention. 

With Tulane already seen as a wealthy school, it is without a doubt that its alumni and current students can bear additional financial burden to drive significant improvements to campus and academics. In 2023, Tulane announced the “Always the Audacious” fundraising program, building off of the original “Only the Audacious” campaign. The new program includes wonderful programs benefiting students such as the construction of two new suite-style dorms and a multipurpose indoor facility for athletes on Brown Field. 

Building off of the momentum of improvements and growth, Tulane should start an even more ambitious fundraising program, “Forever the Audacious.” The program would ensure that campus permanently has new construction projects ongoing at all times, taking up various green spaces and making transit difficult. This way, new facilities can open up right after students graduate, in order to make graduates and recent alumni feel proud that their tuition went to a good cause, although they missed completion. 

Additional project visions include buying out elegant mansions on St. Charles Avenue in order to fund new and superior Greek life housing. With Greek life playing an integral role to Tulane’s student population and image, it is essential that fraternities and sororities live up to a top-party-school reputation. Throwing parties in classy Richardsonian, romanesque mansions for all of New Orleans to see and hear will create greater appreciation and support for Greek life, as locals and prospective students may fear missing out on massive fun.

As much as the “Forever the Audacious” campaign would revolutionize and transform Tulane into a national powerhouse, current levels of funding are insufficient. The solution is simple: raise tuition. Two birds can be killed with one stone, as money from a tuition increase can fund the campaign, and Tulane can get the prestigious title of No. 1 most expensive school. 

Currently, Tulane’s cost of attendance is over $88,000, with tuition alone making up $68,678. By making tuition $100,000, finances can be made simple for students and parents. It is a pain to remember a string of numbers that vary student to student — everyone should know exactly how much they’re paying. In order to simplify and reduce stress around tuition, Tulane should mandate a flat $100,000 price for every student, no exceptions made. That way, students and families no longer have to scramble and arrange finances as everyone pays a universal fee. Additionally, Tulane will become the No. 1 most expensive school, drawing more and more extremely wealthy prospective students who hope to show off and flex their money. 

In the past year, Tulane has fallen off. Dropping to No. 73 on U.S. News Rankings and No. 3 Best Party School has certainly tested the strength and will of Tulanians. However, a comeback is in sight. The future of endless possibilities starts with increasing the premium for being premium.