This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

There are many people who go to Tulane University excited to receive a world-class education at a college filled to the brim with qualified and dedicated professors. Students are wrong in this mindset.

College is not for learning. The classes are a formality at best. I haven’t even been to a class since I got back from winter break, and I have been doing better than I ever have at Tulane, emotionally at least. Academically, it is looking like I might have to stay another year or two to get the credits I need done. But you know what? That just means I have even more time to hang out and do bumps with the boys. 

I fail to see what could be gained from actually attending classes. Listening to someone prattle on and on about math . . . what am I going to do, work at the Calculus Factory? On top of that, with AI we can now pretty much do anything without having to do the work ourselves. The only reason I haven’t asked my ChatGPT to write this is because I don’t think it can truly capture how pointless learning is.

Let me juxtapose the day of an average class-goer with someone else who is doing college right. So here we go: class-goers wake up before noon, maybe get breakfast or a coffee at PJ’s before their class-going begins. They must slog through the day, writing notes and sometimes even having to pay attention to what is being said about whatever obscure topic they might be discussing. People already know these things, why should you have to learn them?

After finishing up their classes, this is around the time that their cooler counterparts wake up. They wake up when they want to, take a nice womp and then brush their teeth. Right there, already a small victory for the non-class-goer. Hygiene is always a win. A loss for the class-goer, because they are not prioritizing their self-care. As one group goes to the library to do even more work, the other group goes to The Boot to rip brewskis and hang out. 

However, once the afternoon concludes is when the greatest challenge of not being a class-goer occurs: how many people can you find that want to go to Bourbon Street at 11:30 on a Tuesday? This is the test that separates the pros from the bums, the ballers from the scrubs. Anyone can just sit around drinking all day, but getting a group together to drink all day AND all night? Now figuring out who to do this with is the biggest trial of the day. During this time, I am not really sure what a class-goer is up to, as it can vary. Maybe they’re hanging out with friends, maybe they’re still doing work, or maybe, just maybe, this is the one time in a blue moon they choose to see how it is on the other side and join their inverses in their gleeful endeavors.

And finally, just as the submission window is closing, the non-class-goer asks the class-goer to share their homework from last week to receive some credit and make it appear to the outside world that they are trying. 

Now tell me, from that description, which is college really about? Bettering yourself in a group of your peers, receiving invaluable experience and information that can lead to a more fulfilling life, or going to class?