This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

A new challenger has entered the ring. At 71 years old, renowned author, professor and former Supreme Leader of CNN Walter Isaacson is ready to take on a new career challenge, fighting in the next Social Warrior Club event against Tulane University fraternities’ top fighters. 

Despite having no fighting experience outside of an incident at this past New Orleans Book Festival, Isaacson is ready to turn his career around, citing Jake Paul as inspiration for going from celebrity to a respected fighter. If you go to Reily Recreation Center, odds are you have seen Isaacson working on his craft, building off of his signature right hand nudge that he executed to perfection during Book Fest. 

A professor in history and author of many acclaimed historical old white man biographies, Isaacson’s fighting inspirations go way beyond than Mike Tyson or Muhammad Ali, to none other than our founding fathers such as Benjamin Franklin, whose advice on perfecting your fighting stance inspired Isaacson to write a biography about him:

“As they were making their way out, they went through a narrow passage and Mather suddenly warned, ‘Stoop! Stoop’ Franklin, not understanding the exhortation, bumped his head on a low beam. As was his wont, Mather turned it into a homily: ‘Let this be a caution to you not always to hold your head so high. Stoop, young man, stoop — as you go through this world — and you’ll miss many hard thumps.’”

As far as preparing his body for the fight, Isaacson has looked to none other than Renaissance painter and inventor Leonardo da Vinci, who Isaacson himself described as being “known in Milan not only for his talents but also for his good looks, muscular build, and gentle personal style.” 

Isaacson’s training will be put to the test in the next Social Warrior Club event, where he will face off against the best fighters Tulane Greek life has to offer. While Isaacson may be outmatched physically, he enters the ring with a clear mental advantage, hoping his deep historical knowledge will guide him through the fight. 

To Isaacson, this next chapter of mercilessly beating up frat kids is simply another opportunity to grow as an individual. As beautifully put in his book, “Leonardo da Vinci,” “ideas are often generated in physical gathering places where people with diverse interests encounter one another serendipitously.” It is safe to say that this next Social Warrior Club event will be nothing short of serendipitous.