This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

This past year, there has been much discussion across the athletics department over how to convert Brown Field from a recreational space into a facility that elevates Tulane athletics. While talks have escalated into converting Brown Field into an indoor football facility, new Athletic Director David Harris has elected to take a different approach. After much discussion and research, Harris has narrowed it down to four potential options that will be voted on by a select committee. Here are the following options, in order of how likely they are to be implemented: 

• The Greenberg family man-made lake for Tulane Sailing 

It’s not hard to see Harris’ vision with this one, a beautiful lake on campus would be both a strong pull for recruitment and admissions and would be a great way to boost the facilities for Tulane’s nationally renowned sailing team. The Tulane sailing team won the national championship in 2022, and with such high expectations for the program, it makes sense that Harris would like to bolster their facilities on campus. One struggle the sailing team has dealt with is that they have to practice off-campus, which requires long commutes during early mornings and less student representation at games. A state-of-the-art lake in place of Brown Field would kill two birds with one stone, as Tulane Sailing could become a long-term championship-winning powerhouse.

In addition, this concept would provide for new activities on campus for all students. Canoeing, paddleboarding and even jet skiing are possibilities with a brand-new lake, and who wouldn’t enjoy seeing a scenic fountain while walking through campus? While this operation is estimated to take three to five years to complete, the vision is clear, and it’s hard to deny the immense opportunities a lake could bring for the school.

• The Neinstein family indoor bowling alley  

It is no secret that Tulane’s women’s bowling program is one of the most successful athletics programs at the university, currently the No. 8 seed in the CUSA bowling championships. Therefore, it is only right that Tulane converts the entirety of Brown Field to an indoor bowling alley dedicated to the program. 

For students who want to go bowling during their free time in between classes, this is not the place for you. This bowling alley will solely be devoted to the women’s bowling team, as they aim to push further up in the national ranks. The facility will also be equipped with the latest technology in order for the athletes to perfect their roll and practice in game situations right on campus. 

• The Rosenblatt family state-of-the-art horse outhouse for the equestrian team 

As of now, the Tulane equestrian team lacks any space to practice riding or to even care for their horses on campus. In order to even see a horse, a Tulane student would have to commute to Equest Farm in City Park, over six miles away from campus! With this brand new facility, members of the equestrian team can care for their horses right on campus and even check in on them as they go to and from class.  

More importantly, this new facility will provide the horses with care unlike they have ever received before, including private stalls filled with soft grass for them to conduct their business. With the support of the Fear the Wave Collective, Harris hopes to provide each horse with their own TOTO Japanese toilet, equipped with a bidet and seat warmer. 

While the smell may force students to wear face covering masks as they walk to and from the Reily Recreation Center, the success it will provide for the equestrian team will speak for itself, making this a tough option to turn down. 

• The Bernstein family zebra and ostrich race track 

Tulane has the opportunity to make history as the first Division I school to build a racetrack dedicated to improving the cardio of zebras and ostriches across the globe. 

Harris hopes that this new facility will not just be an ordinary zebra and ostrich racetrack, but one built with the latest technology in order to help these zebras and ostriches improve their sprinting form and conditioning. 

With this new facility, Tulane has the opportunity to now host New Orleans’s exotic animal races, which normally take place at the New Orleans Fair Grounds. This can even further connect Tulane with the greater New Orleans community, with one of the most anticipated events now being right on campus. Beyond the New Orleans community, Tulane will become an international hub for zebra and ostrich conditioning, as Harris envisions people from all over the world coming to Tulane’s campus to marvel at the animals. 

Harris has a lot of thinking to do, as each of these ideas has plenty of potential to raise the bar for the school in a variety of ways, not just athletics. While we haven’t received any indication of when to expect this decision to be made, it is safe to say big things are on the horizon for Brown Field.