(Natty Rite)

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

High temperatures and drought have exacerbated the crawfish shortage in Louisiana, forcing Tulane University’s annual Crawfest to rebrand and find a new crawler to feed in exorbitant amounts to students. 

Their critter of choice: cockroaches.

Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry declared the shortage as a “disaster declaration” last month. 

“This decision has not been made lightly and has come with much planning and expertise,” Crawfest president Margo Mudbug said. “We recognized the current issue with obtaining crawfish, so we wanted to go on a similar route and provide something that looks like crawfish. We expect many will not know the difference.”

Cockroaches are in their prime mating season from March 13 through April 31. While most cockroaches migrate from areas of Mexico up into the U.S. during this time, Tulane has found other suppliers for Roachfest.

“We decided to get all of our roaches from Aron this year,” Mudbug said. “They had an insane amount, and we were able to get it all for free. The Mexican roaches tend to be more expensive, so getting the Aron ones was a steal.” 

Cockroach specialist and insect anatomy professor Charles LaRoache noted that Roachfest is a “fantastic” opportunity for students to learn and appreciate these insects.

“During their prime season, cockroaches actually taste a lot better due to their bone structure changing with the weather patterns,” LaRoache said. “Cockroaches are such beautiful creatures at this time of year. They just truly blossom. I can’t wait for students to try them.”

Many students felt relief when Crawfest announced they would be switching to roaches. According to sophomore Joe Blattodea, he “cried of joy” when Crawfest volunteers took the roaches out of his room.

“It was getting to the point where I felt roach eyes on me all the time, even in the shower,” Blattodea said. “I swear I can hear them talking sometimes. They know things that we don’t.”

However, the process of retrieving the roaches from the dorms wasn’t an easy one. Mudbug said the process took several days and ended with one Roachfest student volunteer in the hospital.

“I was scooping up mounds and mounds of roaches from my friend’s room in Monroe, and all of a sudden everything just went black,” junior John Raid said. “I haven’t felt like that since Mardi Gras. Anyways, I’m really excited for students to try them because they’re low-key not bad.”

According to President Michael Fitts, the decision to switch to cockroaches was also an economical one. 

“It was cheaper than hiring an exterminator,” Fitts said. 

Roachfest will serve cockroaches prepared numerous ways, from deep fried to pot-pied. Roachfest will also serve alcoholic drinks, with “Margaroaches,” “Piña Roachaladas” and “Sex on the Roaches.”

“I’m actually super excited for Roachfest because I have a raging shellfish allergy and normally have to book a hotel room during Crawfest,” junior Sally Seashell said. “I’ve actually grown up eating cockroaches my entire life, and my favorite way to eat them is in my Wildflower wraps.”

Some fraternities have partnered with Roachfest to make the most of the day. Rho Nu Sigma is planning to throw a party before Roachfest, while also hosting a fundraiser for cockroach awareness.

“There’s just so much stigma around cockroaches these days,” senior and president Chad Bugg said. “We partnered with a charity that works to make cockroaches’ lives better and to just spread awareness. So ladies, make sure to come on down to 6900 Broadway for ‘Rave for the Roaches & Bug Out With The Bros’ with a guest appearance from DJ Roochie.”

Roachfest has expanded to add numerous activities throughout campus. Activities include “Bobbing for Roaches,” “Whack-A-Roach” and “Pin the Tail on the Roach.”  

“I’m most excited to play Whack-a-Roach, even though I feel like I do that all the time in my Aron room,” sophomore Wesley Mole said. “I’m excited to finally be able to sleep in my roach-free bed.”