God

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

As a tier-40 service learning class, this recent archaeological finding on Tulane’s campus definitely earns students infinite community service hours and maybe even a passage into heaven.

Last Wednesday, sophomore Ashley Evman was digging a new row of sweet potatoes in the garden behind Wall Residence Hall when she happened to unearth the body of Jesus Christ. 

Unaware of the Gospel and its depiction of Jesus being buried in the garden where he was crucified, Evman “screamed bloody murder,” according to an anonymous classmate. Students rushed towards the body and said they “felt a surge of overwhelming devotion to Christianity.” One student started impulsively singing gospel songs: “I had never even listened to or knew gospel music before that moment,” she reported.

The only bodily remains ever dug up on Tulane’s campus was the second-previous president of Tulane University, and honestly, no one even knows who that was. The body was found haphazardly buried underneath the spot where the original bead tree prospered. The most recent discovery in the Wall garden was far more religious. 

Media outlets flocked to Tulane University, and the body was subsequently removed for “further examination” by the archaeology and classics departments. However, all of the FBI agents present were seen donning clergy robes. No information has been released since.

Tulane, taking advantage of the much-desired attention, erected over 500 cross-shaped balloons across campus to “contribute to the celebration.” The Tulane Catholic Center, collaborating with Labyrinth Cafe, hosted a “block party,” where non-alcoholic grape juice and bread were provided. 

Recent surveys show that the percentage of Jewish students dropped by over 40% in two days due to sudden religious conversions and the influx of transfer students, primarily from Brigham Young University.

“I just can’t relate to anyone here anymore,” freshman Jacob Friedmanbergstein said. “They don’t know what ‘the shore’ is and they start every sentence with ‘in His name…’” He is transferring to the University of Wisconsin next fall.