This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Mike Fitts was on a call with Isaac Walterson when he noticed what would soon become the science community’s latest fascination: an enormous toenail found on the floor of the Lavin-Bernick Center women’s bathroom.
On Friday, Fitts hauled the toenail to Tulane’s Department of Biomedical Engineering where they have since encased it in a multi-circuit vibrating chamber, a vessel crafted for this exact situation.
Dr. Gizzard I. Razorburn, head of Nail Tissue Engineering and Cellular Biomechanics Lab, said the discovery is groundbreaking.
“We are pushing the boundaries of what is scientifically possible, here,” Razorburn said in reference to the new discovery, which will be on display from April 20 through May 18. “It’s just so big.”
Despite news of the toenail spreading quickly among science-minded nerds at Tulane University, no one stepped forward — albeit with nine toenails— to claim responsibility for what some may consider to be a low-grade act of environmental terrorism.
That being said, the toenail is objectively awesome, and everyone wants to know who the previous owner of what many are starting to call “The Audacious Toenail.”
Michael Bublé, an incoming member of the upcoming class that’s coming to Tulane next year, said he learned about the toenail from an Instagram class of 2028 account.
“I want to touch it,” Bublé said. “I heard it’s stronger than a large diamond buttplug. Mommy says.”
For now, visitors can only marvel at the audacious toenail from a distance, as it sits encased upon a pillowy pillow inside an encasing in Gibson Hall.
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