There was once a secretary of state who was asked to give an address at a Thanksgiving dinner. He began, “You have been giving your attention to a turkey stuffed with sage; you are now about to consider a sage stuffed with turkey.” The rest of his speech has not been recorded, but we can assume it went well. It is hard to lose the audience after such a strong start, say what you may. As with speaking, so with writing. Introductions are actually more crucial in prose, because the reader, unlike the listener, can very easily turn away. Readers, especially nowadays, have little patience. They want to be pulled in. The writer cannot spare one useless sentence, one confusing or awkward phrase, in the opening paragraph. However great the rest of the essay, its readability depends on its beginning. I will therefore provide for aspiring writers my favorite kinds of introductions, explain why they work and give an example of each.
The shocker
This consists in beginning with a shocking quote or sentence. It is the easiest method to pull off, because it requires only that you find, or invent, a jarring quote. It has two main defects. In the first place, it cannot be used too often, or else you will gain a reputation for it, and the reader will come to expect it – which defeats the point. It is likewise limited in how long it can retain the attention of the reader, because the momentum of the essay only goes down after the first sentence. Still, there is no more direct way of grabbing the reader’s attention.
Example:
“Among the porcupines,” said the philosopher, “rape is unknown.” Natural defenses are indeed essential in preventing attacks from outside — with rodents as much as with countries. Switzerland has for that reason used its natural barrier, the Alps, to keep itself safe from neighboring countries. Throughout history, the Swiss have sought to convey to their enemies that any invasion of their homeland is, so to speak, worth too many pricks.
The revival
This has a very simple structure. The first few sentences of the introduction must be written in the most indigestible jargon, about the dullest of topics, so that the reader expects an unbearable essay. The final sentence then switches to a different, preferably livelier topic, and assumes a fresher diction. The reader, by this point on the verge of sleep, welcomes the pivot. With the expectations having been lowered, the actual essay, compared to what was originally suggested, seems a lively read.
Example:
In the early years of his presidency, President Bill Clinton sought to adjust the American economy to the increasingly modernized world through an array of policies intended to balance the fiscal conservatism embraced in the Reagan era with the governmental agility required in the more globalized market in the wake of the Cold War. His administration balanced the budget deficit by lowering governmental spending and increasing taxes on wealthier citizens and also brought down prices through elimination of protective tariffs. The economy, however, was not the only thing on President Clinton’s mind, especially after a certain intern by the name of Monica Lewinsky, with her devilish eyes and seductive strut, joined his staff in 1995.
The subverted subversion
This is an adaptation of another method, “the Subversion,” which is the most common introduction in “groundbreaking” academic papers. “The Subversion” is a favorite among academics who presume to be refuting conventional knowledge. “The Subversion” follows this formula: “For many years people believed this, but modern scholars now believe that.” The Subverted subversion mocks these pedants. It follows the form of the first one, only to reverse itself, towards the end, and embrace conventional wisdom. I recommend it for academic essays, when the teacher will be expecting the original trope.
Example:
Every year, more and more students suffer from College Burnout, the term used to describe the “state of chronic stress or exhaustion students may feel due to the many demands they face.” When, around twenty years ago, cases of this condition first started climbing, many blamed the softening of America’s youth, the laziness of kids. Exasperated students were ignored and told to push through the semester. Nobody believed that their affliction was real. But modern researchers, including The National Institutes of Health, have begun to recognize “college burnout” as a real condition. Through surveys of college students, they have determined that college burnout stems not from laziness but from overwhelming academic workloads, separation from parents and unrealistic standards. And perhaps I would be willing to take the word of The National Institutes of Health — if it weren’t for the fact that college kids lie on surveys, and that the causes they blame their “burnout” on are the exact excuses that lazy students have used for generations.
The anecdote:
It is generally advised with this method to begin the introduction with a story that has a clear lesson and that relates to the topic of the essay. I prefer a story that has no lesson whatsoever, nor anything to do with the subject at hand, because the reader has no idea where you are going with it. From a moralizing story, the reader can anticipate the thesis. A properly meaningless story, on the other hand, makes the reader wonder what lesson you are going to draw from it, and read on to find out. It is then more impressive when you figure out a way to bring the two together.
Example:
To prepare for basketball tryouts in fifth grade, I used to shoot around at a park near my house. There would always be an old man who sat on a bench on the side of the court, scratching his beard as he watched me play. For many weeks he said nothing. But one day, as I was about to leave, he waved me over. He told me, in a rather sage-like manner, not to worry about my tryouts — that when the time came, all I had to do was rely on my training. His advice gave me much assurance, and I thanked him sincerely. I ended up playing terribly at tryouts and was one of the first kids to get cut. I quit basketball after that and never thought of taking it up again. I actually had forgotten about that old nutjob until I passed by the park the other day. The point is that many bearded old men seem wiser than they are, and we should not accept their prophecies just because they claim to be prophets. And this includes Karl Marx, whose prediction of the downfall of capitalism, and the subsequent rise of the proletariat, has never, and will never, come true.
