This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
The already cutthroat competition for internships just got bloodier after White House officials announced that the government internship hiring process will be replaced by a series of cage matches to determine the candidate most fit for the position.
In a press conference held at hole 9 of The Mar-a-Lago Club, President Donald Trump told reporters, “We want the best, the greatest candidates, you look at other countries, their interns, they’re strong, they’re powerful, our interns should be like that, the most beautiful, the strongest.”
Elon Musk, the head of the Department of Governmental Efficiency, followed up by saying “a strong government needs strong workers, and this process finds the strongest, most fit candidates for a job.”
The first match held for Tulane University students took place in Devlin B. Fieldhouse on Sunday.
Chad “max power” Powers, a junior Earth and environmental studies major, fought Whitney “thunderstrike” Rogers, a sophomore civil engineering major, for the Environmental Protection Agency’s prestigious Shell Corporation Gulf Coast Fracking Fellowship.
A bloodied Powers told The Hullabaloo, “I’m really excited to work for the EPA; I’ve always dreamed of finding new and innovative ways to cause extinctions in the Gulf of America.” Rogers was unavailable for comment as he was wheeled away by paramedics.
Some students are excited about the changes. “This provides a new way for me to get work experience,” senior Kelly Adams said. “I don’t have the best resume because all I did in college was whippets, but I can throw a mean right hook.”
Federal Communications Commission Chairwoman Penelope Cross announced that matches will be broadcast on ESPN U, with the rights to especially competitive positions, such as congressional staffers, being auctioned to other networks.
Because of high application numbers, government officials are reportedly considering switching to larger “Hunger Games” style battle royales, as opposed to the current bracket format.
New Orleans area drug dealer, Tony Vigor, reported that sales of anabolic steroids, which increase testosterone production, have tripled since the program was announced.
“I used to be selling these to gym rats and the football team,” Vigor said. “Now it’s all CS kids.”
Hank Schrader of the Drug Enforcement Agency confirmed the uptick in steroid sales. “We’re used to picking up fraternity members and athletes in drug stings, now we’re seeing lots of STEM majors.”
The intern rights group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Interns, has begun holding protests outside matches.
“These poor kids, they’re already overworked and unpaid, now they must fight for the opportunity? It’s inhumane,” PETI spokesperson Penelope Justicewood said.
Following the interview, Justicewood was deported to Guatemala after federal officials accused her of being an active member of the Venezuelan gang Tren de Aragua.
Some departments are investigating alternative internship hiring programs.
A memo found in the pocket of U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, who was unconscious outside the Boot, said that the U.S. Department of Defense will use a shot drinking competition to fill its internships.
Following the government’s lead, major banks are considering introducing fight programs of their own. In response, Tulane’s A.B. Freeman School of Business has announced a new course, “CDMA 2025: Boxing.”
