This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
This Monday, Tulane University revealed that it has purchased every single inch of the city of New Orleans. This move marks the most significant step in the university’s expansion throughout the city. In addition, Tulane has captured and conscripted all residents of the Uptown New Orleans area to work as staff in its 15 new football practice facilities, 28 new residence halls for upperclassmen and 34 new food courts, which will all accept wave bucks. Banners have been unfurled on McAlister Street, reading “The Tulane empire will reign 1000 years.”
“This is a small step in the right direction,” said Tulane President Michael Feets in an exclusive Fullabaloo interview. “Soon, we will expand our operations and conquer the entire state of Louisiana,” he exclaimed, as he let out a bizarre maniacal laugh.
Gov. Leff Jandry approved the transaction. “I had enough of all those New Orleans liberals, anyway,” he remarked to the media yesterday. “They’re Tulane’s problem now.”
Tulane’s new army of staffers were seen undergoing training, marching in single-file lines on St. Charles Avenue. Fullabaloo reporters were on the scene as the trainees saluted President Feets, as he drove by in a gigantic, bulletproofed Chevy suburban, flanked by armed security wearing green Tulane University uniforms.
Tulane students sounded off on the new purchase, some approving and some disapproving. 6th-year senior and communications major Rachel Goldsteinberg gave her approval.
“Well, yeah … like … it’s kinda awesome,” Goldsteinberg said. “The new Tulane regime is like providing us with whippets and stuff, so I’m glad they bought all of New Orleans. It was so gross before, anyway.”
Another student, Chad Bradson, also approved. “This is sick,” Bradson said enthusiastically, “Phi Sigma Beta now has 12 freaking houses. IFC will never be able to get us in trouble again.” But others were not so enthused.
Biochemical engineering, neuropsychology, evolutionary biology and computer science quadruple major Bartholomew Buzzkill III harshly criticized the new regime when speaking to the Fullabaloo. “This is an unacceptable, authoritarian fascist regime!” said Buzzkill. “This will not stand,” he said as two men in black suits and dark sunglasses grabbed him and threw him in the back of a Tulane campus shuttle.
I, for one, strongly support the new administration. Whatever your political leanings may be, I hope all Tulane students can unite under the shared banner of the greater Tulane empire. Glory to the Wave.
