Dear Social Media,

Before I discovered you a couple years ago, I used to fill my time with useless activities like reading a book, volunteering, playing soccer or watching TV with a cup of steaming hot chocolate and my best friend Whiskers, the cat. Now, whenever I’m bored or feeling awkwardly left out of a conversation, I pull out my phone, open Facebook or Twitter and publicly record my life.

You are, of course, so much more than a great way to kill time. There are numerous advantages to staying connected online. For instance, there is simply no way I could interact with so many friends of random acquaintances and potential predators without you. How else could I end up on my butcher’s nephew’s Pinterest page?

Some people say that you can cause undue social pressure and stress. The reality is that social pressure and stress are part of life. People have always compared themselves to each other. Social media apps simply enable this necessary social competition on a larger scale.

Without you, I wouldn’t be able to devote all my waking hours to seeming more popular than I actually am. My grades have suffered a little, but what really matters in life is building a strong social network. As an added bonus, I get 12 free sessions at Counseling and Psychological Services each semester to offset the deep psychological scarring you’ve given me.

Perhaps most importantly, you’re an invaluable outlet for self-expression. With sites like Facebook and Twitter, I can express private thoughts publicly in a form that will never, ever disappear. Some people worry that public commentary could affect employment, but you just have to be smart about what you post. In fact, employees can even use you to their advantage. My cousin, for example, used to post pictures of wild parties at his place hoping that his boss would see them and finally recognize what a fun person he is. Now that he is inexplicably out of work, he is using the same strategy to find a new job.

Since I started hanging out with you so much, Social Media, I finally feel like I have found my purpose. Because of you, I can focus on the important things in life, like cat videos and taking fire selfies. Who really cares about silly, intangible things like peace and happiness when you can get 438 likes on a single Instagram post? Popularity is the key.

Sincerely yours,

Social Media Maniac