Airing of Grievances: Feeling Fishers
Emilie Eliopoulos | Staff Artist
Dear Campus Couples,
Do less. All of these public displays of affection and constant chatter about how much you love “your better half” is driving everyone insane. Does anyone really care about the relationship that consumes your life?
These vomitus-pairs hold hands walking down McAlister Drive, making the walk to class for other students nearly impossible. That iron grip a couple shares is physically impossible to break. Why willingly suction-cup your hands to someone else’s super clammy, sweaty hands?
Staring blissfully into each others’ eyes while sharing a plate of fries at a dreamy date to Bruff does not seem despicable, I’d much rather eat all that trans fat myself, thank you very much.
Typically, City Diner dates are a drunken mistake, yet nauseating couples find some ghastly way to make it endearing. News flash: City Diner food has always tasted better drunk, not ‘drunk in love;’ sorry not sorry, but you are certainly not Queen Bey.
Don’t get me started on pet names. Baby, honey, babe or the oddly specific “booga,” (whatever that means) takes precedent over their real name, as if given names no longer hold importance whatsoever.
Wearing your booga’s (seriously, what does this even mean?) clothes around campus is the ultimate “look at me I have a significant other,” while in reality, those ill-fitting clothes never flatter.
Leaving each other notes in hidden places to make their day is second nature, but to everyone else it makes them throw up faster than a Crown Roost shot.
And lastly, all the hype that cuddling in a “cozy” extra long twin bed is comfortably satisfying is a boldface lie. No way anyone enjoys that. There is absolutely no space to move and I prefer not to wake up in a pool of my own sweat, thank you very much.
More and more of these incessant couples seem to pop up, making every part of Tulane a scene out of a romantic comedy you are too embarrassed to admit you saw.
Maybe Dwight Schrute from “The Office” was right: we do need a new plague and I volunteer all campus couples as tributes.
Who actually does all these things? The sad truth, I do them all and my booga and I have no intention of ever stopping.
XOXO,
Booga’s Gooba
P.S. Can we pretend I am not one of those and still get rid of the rest?
March 2, 2016
Dear Feeling Fishers,
As someone who’s made the choice to be emotionally vacant, displays of emotion tend to make me uncomfortable. Blame my WASP heritage. I can cope with a very select few emotions, like joy and sleepiness. Beyond that, feelings are a topic of conversation I tend to avoid in favor of not ruining everyone’s day.
The most blatant displays are Facebook posts. As social media evolves, people are finding new creative ways to be needy. Statuses and the new feeling feature are the most common ways a feeling fisher baits their unsuspecting prey. A common status I’ve seen lately is “Feeling (frowny face emoji) send some thoughts and prayers my way.” No explanation of a bad situation, no hint at handling a situation like an adult and usually nothing that actually should warrant thoughts nor prayers. Plus, demanding thoughts and prayers sounds a little too Pat Robertson to sit well with me. Someone will inevitably comment, “(concerned face emoji) what’s wrong?” followed by a request to talk privately.
This is some grade-A “The Breakfast Club” type of stuff, and I put a large amount of blame on John Hughes and his terrible movies for this idea that everyone needs to dump their emotional baggage all over anyone who’ll listen. If you need to talk to a person about something that’s bothering you, just do that. The insincere condolences of a person over social media aren’t actually going to make you feel better, so why bother? Don’t wait for someone to find you in your moment of not-actual-need so you can play some tragic figure who’s the victim of some trivial annoyance you let ruin your day. This is the purpose of friends or therapists, not any random person (e.g. me) you’ve friended because we had a class together. I don’t care enough about you as a person to coddle you. And before this is taken completely out of context, let me explain this isn’t the baby-boomer mindset saying our generation is too easily offended. These requests for emotional support have nothing to do with political correctness or even tragedies but a shallow plea for personal attention after a “rough” day.
Then there’s the indirect approach of the sad article. Usually written in the form of, “An Open Letter to the Ex/Greek/Emotionally Distant Boy/Girlfriend.” The reason a person writes an open letter is to explore something that personally affected them that others might relate to. So writing an open letter about something that only applies to you feels like you’re shoving a middle school diary (with all the spelling and grammar mistakes you’d expect) in my face.
If my honesty here hurt your feelings, that might be a good thing. In the words of my personal idol, cartoon scientist Rick Sanchez, “it’s your choice to take it personally.” Use this as an opportunity to practice dealing with emotions in a mature fashion. Besides, I’m just telling you how I feel, and after reading about your feelings for years, I think it’s only fair.
Sincerely yours,
Stressing Your Lack of Repressing
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