Dear Family Weekend Parents,

Let me say, first and foremost, welcome to Tulane. Most of you haven’t been here since move-in day, so I can understand some of the excitement, but let’s set some ground rules for this weekend.

Number one should be obvious, but there have been so many offenders that I have to say it apparently: don’t go to The Boot. I’m 21 years old, barely have standards and yet I’m still embarrassed to be seen at The Boot. You’re adults. Actual, know-how-to-pay-taxes (because seriously what are taxes?) adults. What would possess you to go to some dingy college bar to drink rum and Cokes with your child who hasn’t learned their limits?

I know that we adults all want to relive our college days, but The Boot dance floor is not the place. It’s sad enough watching your kids bust out their best “Hotline Bling” dance moves, but y’all are no better. I’ve seen more moms “get low” and too many dads get creepily close to their kid’s lady friends while flailing than I’m comfortable to admit. Students, you’re partially responsible to keep this from happening. Remember how much it sucked babysitting your drunk roommate who peed in your closet? It’s about 50 times worse if you swap the word “roommate” with “dad.”

Also, please don’t try to be too cool. This is advice I’ve given my own uncool parents, but I’ll extend it to all parents. Your time to be cool has passed; please just be parents. We’re going to be at a massive homecoming tailgate this weekend. If I see sloppy drunk parents offering vat or beer to random students passing by I won’t be angry, I’ll be disappointed. Oh, and if I see anyone over 40 doing a keg stand I’m going to assume you’re just trying very hard to identify with your child.

Please stop befriending each other on College Confidential or the Tulane Parents Facebook page. We all know it exists and we’d rather not be thrown back to our anxiety-filled high school days. There’s nothing more uncomfortable than being introduced to your mom’s new empty-nester bff and her weird kid I once saw at orientation maybe. These forced interactions just make me worried that our parents are out of hobbies, and are getting dangerously close to befriending axe murderers online. Stranger danger. We learned that from you.

Please get off campus. If you think being on Tulane’s campus counts as visiting New Orleans, you’re really just wasting a trip. The city is more fun than the school, go actually enjoy it. Your freshman children’s farthest venture off campus was heavily dependent on a bad fake ID, so take them to actually experience NOLA.

If this seems harsh, please know it comes from a place of love. That, and I’ve been waiting my whole life to say this: you’re grounded.

Sincerely,

This is why I don’t call home.