Dear Tinder Users,

While I applaud your noble pursuit of e-love, it’s about time I don my crotchety-old-man pants and complain about technology. This is not me saying smartphone hookup apps are evil, or that you don’t know how to interact with each other. Instead, take this as a learning experience in how not to creep out, turn off or annoy other people.

The photos you can post on Tinder will make a difference though, and this applies to everyone. Have a photo of just you. If your Tinder photos force the other person to play “Where’s Waldo” because you only have photos of the squad, they won’t be into it. More importantly, if you are going to post a group photo make sure you’re the attractive one in it. Your hot friend will only hurt your chances. Crop them out. No more photos of you with a fish either. The fish will be the only thing that’s wet.

Stop making other people uncomfortable. If someone doesn’t respond after a double text, they’re not into it. I know you both matched, and Tinder gave you that magical little glimpse of hope by announcing that fact, but really think about it. Is there a dog in your profile picture? If so, maybe that other person didn’t swipe right for you. Sending another five messages won’t make them like you more. Super Liking is Tinder’s newest feature, and I fully consider Super Liking someone a form of harassment. The other person gets an alert that they’ve been Super Liked, and then can’t move to the rest of the stack before making a judgment. They’re then forced to either swipe right out of pity, or left and know they’re crushing someone’s dreams. Don’t force other people to crush your dreams. That’s a parent’s job.

Now for just the dudes. By now, everyone has seen the “Straight White Boys Texting” Tumblr. It’s a cultural artifact of our generation, exposing the creep in everyone. It’s gross. No one wants a message about your genitals. Messages saying, “people say I’m like an elephant, or at least I have a trunk like one ;)” will keep ladies as far away as possible from your supposedly frumpy, gray, wrinkled genitals as humanly possible. And that winking smiley face? It’s not cute or flirty. It makes you seem like the kind of guy who follows women home at night pounding on their door and insisting he’s a nice guy. It’s just as creepy as talking about your ugly phallus.

Maybe I’m bitter and just burnt out on Tinder, but I’ve seen enough to know you’re all bad at it. There has to be a better alternative. Maybe something along the lines of talking to other people, or even trying out the hermit lifestyle for a bit. Everyone’s totally into hermits these days.

Sincerely,

Sick of swiping