Dear Freshman 15,

How are you still a thing? In an age of body positivity and self-empowerment it baffles my mind that your gloomy prophecy of weight gain still exists. You’re tacky and I hate you.

Surrounded by delectable options everywhere and constant free food giveaways, putting on a little weight shouldn’t be frowned upon. It’s just your body telling you it’s happy that you’re giving it so many exciting new yum-yums and snicky snacks.

Also why is this the focus of all college conversations? Before I knew what a syllabus was, I knew about the Freshman 15. On a list of things incoming students should know before they come to Tulane, I wish we emphasized mental health resources and time management skills, not the fact that I’ll get super fat and all my high school friends will make fun of me.

Runners-up for more important things to learn before coming to Tulane: how to peel a crawfish without making eye contact, Howie-T is not the name of a Backstreet Boy and the only type of weather is sweaty armpit, so invest in some handkerchiefs and laundry detergent.

This outdated idea of weight gain causes unnecessary anxiety for incoming freshmen and body shames students who take advantage of their unlimited meal plan. Plus it creates a model for all students to fall into, deciding what they will do, instead of giving them an opportunity to overcome it.

In the words of a great philosopher, “Who care if me eat carrot or collard greens? Me also like broccoli and lettuce and lima beans. Me still Cookie Monster. That not a sham.”

Our eating habits should be decided by us, not by the perceptions and predictions of others. If Cookie Monster can go back and forth between veggies and desserts, then shouldn’t I be able to do the same?

The Freshman 15 highlights body shaming, gossip and unhealthy habits. What we should be telling freshmen is how to take advantage of healthy eating options on campus and ways to design exercise routines, not encouraging Facebook-stalking to see if Gary if from third-period English pudged up.

Say it with me! C is for creating positive mental and physical health habits and creating positive mental and physical health habits is for me! Also cookies, cookies are for me.

Sincerely,

Om Nom Nommer