Awkward Sex Stories: A Canadian Threesome

Threesomes: They’re often a mythical act that your friend’s friend once tried and thought was pretty cool, a staple Never Have I Ever answer that always gets one or two people in the group a nice pat on the back. In theory they seem steamy and wild, but in practice they just sound awkward and overwhelming. In my case, I can only describe it as unexpected and polite.

I met Ben and Josh during a game of beer pong at a Budapest hostel. They were two Canadians who couldn’t quite sink a ping pong ball into a cup the way my American friends and I could. What they lacked in skill, however, they made up for in kindness and thick, stereotypically Canadian accents. And if they couldn’t get any more Canadian, Josh took off his shirt during the game to expose a tattoo of a Canadian flag shaped like a maple leaf with hockey sticks crossed in front of it.

That evening we, along with the 30 other inhabitants of our hostel, embarked on a majestic booze cruise. With bottles of cheap champagne in hand, we drunkenly floated down the Danube in awe of the beautiful sights and horrible techno music around us.

It was important, our cruise director told us, to kiss someone each time we passed under a bridge, or else be cursed with bad sex for the next 10 years. We certainly didn’t want that.

The first few bridges we went under, everyone was exchanging pecks, sometimes to two or three or four people. But as the night went on and the bridges got more numerous, I found myself exclusively kissing Ben until eventually we didn’t need a bridge as an excuse.

The cruise was set to dock at 11 p.m., and then the group was headed to a nearby club to dance the night away. Ben and I, however, had other plans. We were the first ones off the boat and immediately headed back to the hostel, leaving our friends behind. After sending some texts to our forgotten friends and making a stop at McDonalds, per my request, we arrived back at our temporary home, where I was pleased to find that my Canadian beau had splurged on the two-person private room rather than the 12-person madness in which I was living.

After having a chat the whole night during beer pong and the cruise, there was no more need for pleasantries, and we got right to it. It was a good time, and I am by no means insinuating that this was the awkward part of this sex story.

We were somewhere in the middle of round two when the door opens and Josh is barging into the room. His entrance was met with a quick move of the sheets and surprised sounds from all parties.

Although I insisted that we would get redressed and he could stay, Josh opted to leave and “be back in 10.”

I have to admit that without a watch I have no idea how long 10 minutes feels like, especially not in the warped space-time continuum of sex. So, presumably, 10 minutes later, Josh comes back in to find Ben and I in the same compromising position as before. This time, however, we actually did get redressed and let Josh stay.

We were all hanging out in the room, fully clothed and semi-drunk. I asked Josh about the club and how my friends were.

The casual conversation had reached a lull when Josh asked, “Have you ever had a threesome?” and quickly followed up with, “Do you want to, eh?”

So we did.

The Canadians were nothing but courteous. It was a real exercise in sharing. There wasn’t much talking, but someone did ask very nicely, “Do you mind if I have a turn, eh?”

Eventually, Ben tapped out, and Josh and I were left to ourselves. He insisted we take a selfie to send to my friends, which they did screenshot and send back to me as a token of my special night.

I was nearly asleep when Josh said, “I hope I remember all of this tomorrow.”

“How about this,” I told him, “if you remember, you give me a wink or a nod tomorrow when you see me.”

The next day, my friend and I hit the renowned baths of Budapest. We each debriefed on our nights (I’ll admit I did briefly forget Josh’s name in my retelling), and I discovered a distinct mouth shaped bruise on my thigh and relaxed in the sulfurous waters.

When we got back to the hostel later that day we passed our Canadian friends and said a brief hello. As I walked away I heard my name called and I looked behind me to see Josh give me an emphasized wink and a thumbs up.

All Awkward Sex Stories contributors will remain anonymous to protect from attempted future booty calls.

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