This article is for The Fullabaloo, The Hullabaloo’s satirical April Fool’s issue. The information and interviews below are completely fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Everyone at Tulane seems to be looking for love, but honestly, commitment is overrated. Get into a relationship, and all of a sudden it’s “you need to stop hooking up with random freshmen at The Boot” and “Wait, you’re still on JDate? Can you, like, delete that? We’ve been dating for months now.” So, why look for one individual of quality when you can instead date multiple people and go for quantity? The more, the merrier, right? Look, you don’t have to be athletic to be a player, but you do need extreme skills.

Think Like A Player

Before you can actually play with people’s emotions, you need to get’cha head in the game. There is one main rule to follow: DO NOT GET ATTACHED. If you start to develop feelings, leave the country. Or at least transfer to Loyola University of New Orleans. You obviously chose Tulane to acquire a finance degree, not an Mrs. degree.

Don’t let them get attached either. If they admit they have feelings for you or – god forbid – invite you to their summer home in East Hampton, New York, it’s time to abort mission. Move on. Find someone new. The most audacious establishment in academia has 6,569 other students you can go for.

Look Like A Player

Looks always matter. Accessories matter the most. Wear your Irby room key attached to a hair tie on your wrist to let others know you want to bring them home. Turn the other wrist into a veritable scrapbook of recent nights out by leaving on all of your happy hour wristbands, and keep the stamp from Bruno’s Tavern on for good measure. You need to let others know that your Connecticut fake from IDGod actually works and allows you to buy shots. Your line of suitors will rival The Boot’s on pitcher night.

Act Like A Player

Once you have the look down, you can finally act the part. Invite the first cutie you see on McAlister to Bruff. Tap ‘em in before you tap that. Sit at a high-top table to let them know you want an intimate dinner for just the two of you. Make killer eye contact, and lean in when they talk. Over a shared plate of hummus and pita triangles, invite them back to your place.

Be upfront with your date about what you want, and definitely don’t mislead them. There is a difference between being a player and a jerk. If they want to have some fun, sexile your roommate with no warning. If a twin XL bed is too small, just do the dirty in the laundry room on floor three — it’s not like anyone actually goes in there because everyone has the laundry service.

If waking up in a new bed every morning and hurting a few people’s feelings sounds like the life for you, become a player. It’s all fun and games. Follow these steps, and you might just become MVP.