Dear Fashion Gurus,

It’s 7:45 a.m. and you’re rushing to get dressed for your 8 a.m. class. You open your closet and are left with a decision — which shorts to grab. In the heat of the moment, you conclude that your cargo shorts are the best, most stylish choice. You are wrong.

I do not know quite when the fashion trend began, but I do know when I would like it to end … immediately. I cannot imagine that anyone ever rocked the cargo short. I do not believe there were any runways with models strutting around in them, calling cargo shorts the new black. The only excusable cargo short usage is if you are serving or have served time in the military. All others partaking in this siege on the stylish should be condemned.

In case there is any confusion here, shorts were meant to have four or less pockets. Cargo shorts have six, or, in the worst-case scenarios, more. Possibly, if one were to add enough pockets, they may transcend terrible and reach fashionable, but that is a long shot. It would be similar to the making of “Sharknado,” a film so bad, it’s good. It shouldn’t need to be said that you should avoid wearing the “Sharknado” of shorts.

The question is, why do people choose to wear such monstrosities? Do you really need all of those pockets? What in the world could you possibly be carrying around with all of that cargo space!

They are heavy. Sliding down constantly, it causes them to almost look like capris at times, a somehow even more cringeworthy image. From what I can tell, a basic pair of cargo shorts costs the same as a basic pair of shorts, so there doesn’t seem to be a financial advantage to the decision.

Do not misunderstand. If people seem to pass you by, ignoring you for the man behind you, look to his shorts. If they don’t have huge, unnecessary pockets on the sides, that man made a positive life decision today — and so can you.

Sincerely,

Abandon Your Cargo (Shorts) — This Battle is Not Worth Fighting