FULLABLOO: OPINION | Kiwibots become student role models

Atticus Plum, Observant Puppy

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

(Slab Jeremiah)

The term ‘Kiwibot’ recently entered the Tulane University vernacular. The food delivery robots endured a controversial reception from students. Those using the robots to transport food from on-campus dining locations to their dorms are evidently fans of their new robotic community members. Other students may find that the robots are futile and do little other than get in the way. 

Some students, however, have begun to realize that these robots are making a much more profound impact on life at Tulane, and their presence on campus warrants serious discussion. 

Kiwibots appear to have a largely unrecognized and under-appreciated sense of confidence and aptitude for leadership. For instance, when they are set forth on a delivery journey, they are extremely steadfast in their resolve to stick to their path. 

One student recalled seeing a Kiwibot jetting along the sidewalk when its path was abruptly interrupted by a biker. In this sudden stand-off between biker and bot, the Kiwibot maintained its calm and held firmly to its mission. The Kiwibot was unwavering. It did not leave its position and forced the biker to make the next move. 

The biker’s first option was to continue forward, emulating the confidence of the Kiwibot but also guaranteeing a public collision. Yet, with an undeniable air of authority and importance, the bot intimidated the biker. The biker truly did not wish to harm the robot — whether for fear of the consequences or out of respect. 

The biker, who was familiar with the difficulty of balancing on two wheels, observed the Kiwibot’s four wheels and low center of gravity. This indicated to him that the robot was sturdy both mentally and physically; if he hits the robot head-on, he will perish. 

A second option seems equally ineffective. The biker — unlike his extremely agile counterpart in this face-off — did not possess the athleticism required to make the precise maneuver around the Kiwibot, which moved staunchly in the center of the path. 

The biker’s only reasonable option was to concede the battle. In a clear act of submission, the bike and its rider fell to the ground at the authority of the Kiwibot. Satisfied, the robot was able to proceed around the biker and complete its assignment. 

Without saying a word, a Kiwibot was able to defend itself from a potential attacker, subvert a conflict and demonstrate confidence and authority in a high-pressure situation and complete its job. Who could set a better example for impressionable college students entering the workforce? 

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