This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

There’s a new exotic animal race in town — well, kind of. 

Motivated to better use local resources and engage local participants, the organizers of the Exotic Animal Races have opted to create a spinoff of the electric sell-out event that draws crowds full of drunk, dressed-up college kids in weird hats (??) as well as animal abuse sympathizers. 

Rather than race camels, ostriches and zebras, the new event will race local pests: cock roaches, opossums and lizards. 

Why these three animals? 

Cock roaches are known to scurry at lightning speed. In fact, most New Orleans cock roaches are faster than the average. They often gain racing experience in the houses of Tulane students, most of whom have literally never seen a cock roach in real life prior to their freshman year. As a result, cock roaches practice their quickness as young adults scream and run at them, often trying to locate a spare flip-flop or newspaper to squish them. 

Lucky for the cock roaches, who have now mutated to achieve electric speed, the students always lose. 

As the race approaches, tentatively scheduled for mid-June of 2024, expect to see more cock roaches spontaneously appearing in kitchens and air vents. Don’t fret though, they’re just trying to increase their mile time — please engage with them and chase them around a little bit; it’ll make for a great show. Also, if you happen to notice they’ve taken some bites taken out of your leftovers, don’t worry, because bulking season is just wrapping up. 

Opossums are marketed as the main attraction of the event. Known as “possums” by all you illiterate, dumb folk, these ratty little weirdos hope to gain more visibility within the New Orleans community. They’re often known to scamper — rather than scurry or scoot — but early betters believe that pre-race anxiety and the sheer amount of noise at the Fair Grounds Race Course will push these things to the finish line. 

Opoussain Bolt is an early favorite to win. 

As for the participating lizards, New Orleans and neighboring Jefferson Parish just needed to find something to do for the ridiculous surplus of lizards roaming around the streets. Locals seem to be betting on lizards losing — interestingly, their animosity seems to be related to local pride. 

Experts suggest that the lizards, a recent inhabitant of New Orleans, came over to the city hiding on spotted plants imported from Florida. 

“We want them out,” said Peter “Peta” Cinnic. “We don’t want none of that Florida crap here.”

Lizards were not the event’s first choice of participants. The local pest race actually hoped to include crawfish. Unfortunately, the intended crawfish supplier for the race also supplies Tulane University’s Crawfest. Tulane not only outbid the race’s organizers, but also swayed the supplier with an elaborate balloon display and a classic Mike Fitts fist bump. 

The event, although new, looks to be quite promising. Betting will be allowed, so be sure to bring your parents’ Amex. EarthCups is also a sponsor of the event.