This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

Lewis Hamilton of Mercedes has won the first New Orleans Grand Prix, held this past weekend. Hamilton won a dramatic race in front of an electric crowd after 17 of the 20 cars were forced to retire.

Several cars hit potholes which immediately destroyed their tires while two others, including odds favorite Max Verstappen, got stuck in a construction site. Alex Albon’s car flew off into the Mississippi River and while Albon was rescued, his car is long gone.

Daniel Ricciardo finished in second while Carlos Sainz finished a distant third after being caught in St. Charles Avenue traffic.