FULLABALOO | Formula One announces New Orleans Grand Prix

Mr. Brightside, Sportsball Editor

This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

The pothole laden streets of the Crescent City will present a tall task to F1 racers. (Shivani Bondada)

Formula One has announced the creation of the New Orleans Grand Prix. The motor sports giants are hoping to increase viewership in both the state and the country and will host the first race in 2023.

Speaking about the decision, F1 Stefano Domenicali cited New Orleans’ road infrastructure. “For years, F1 races have been too easy for the drivers. These are the greatest drivers in the world, and yet we do not challenge them in any sort of way when we give them pristine track,” Domenicali said.

“The middle ground, potholes and unfinished construction work should provide great racing and entertainment for fans of the sport. I personally am looking forward to navigating through these obstacles,” said Max Verstappen, current F1 champion and Red Bull Racing driver.

The race will take place in August to maximize New Orleans’ weather and will see drivers go in a circuit including Bourbon Street, St. Charles Avenue and tight residential areas. 

Pit crews are currently learning how to recover cars stuck in potholes and training in underwater diving just in case any cars end up in the Mississippi River. In response to complaints about driver safety during the race, F1 is mandating that all drivers wear arm floaties as a precaution.

Different teams have already announced different strategies to deal with the unique track. Red Bull Racing has announced that they will be fueling cars with their signature drink in hopes of giving their car wings. Mercedes is improving their engine to be able to outrun hurricane force winds. Ferrari has announced that they are using a monster truck for the race to mitigate the risk of potholes.

Each racing team has announced that they will be tossing out beads and throws  “Mardi Gras style” at the end of each lap. Only two confirmed throws have been officially announced. Aston Martin will throw out Martin Scorcese figurines while McLaren will throw out four piece McDonald’s chicken nuggets boxes in accordance with its new sponsorship deal. 

A leaked report has suggested that Red Bull racing will throw out their new sugar-free flavor, coconut-blueberry.

The race is looking like an exciting new addition to the race calendar and is sure to bring in thousands of excited racing fans.

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