This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

There is nothing like a sweaty, grinding make-out at The Boot that leads to mediocre sex in your Monroe twin XL bed while your roommate sends you 12 separate messages asking if they can come back in the room. Keep in mind, the sex actually only lasted four and a half minutes — zero of them being foreplay. Some of us struggle with performance anxiety. Why is everyone mad about that? Why can’t Tulane University students be happy with this system?

Sex and no commitment sounds like a no-brainer to me. Getting to know someone really kills the vibe. I do not want to hear about your family’s Bichon Frisé, Coco. I do not care that your roommate Emily is actually your best friend from camp’s cousin, and that you actually do not really get along because you pledged Pi Phi, and she got stuck with Chi O.

Girls at this school expect too much. I do not want to hear you drone on about how your communications major is actually really hard and how you spent $400 on a Poster Girl romper for Mardi Gras. Furthermore, females here are always yapping about going on a real date. Like, I’m not going to use my parent’s money to take you to Val’s.

With that being said, I charge Tulane women with a new goal: reject tradition, embrace modernity.

The modern relationship. In the modern relationship, we do NOT talk about emotions — unless they’re mine. We are NOT seen on campus together. You do NOT talk to my friends. I will NOT text you before 11 p.m. And most importantly, if I bang your sorority big, you do NOT have a right to be mad.

Now, you might be thinking, what’s in it for the ladies? Two words: MIND-BLOWING SEX. Two more words: doggy style. Mic drop. I will also most likely get mad at you for wanting to use a condom. But that’s honestly not chill like it makes it so much worse for me.

At the end of the day, Tulane students need to understand that we have a good system. When are this many men at a solid 4.2/10 going to bag this many 10s? And ladies, consider this a lesson in humility and generosity. Embrace the modern relationship. Stability and connection ruins a relationship — honestly not lit.