This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

The crosswalk between Dixon Hall and the Malkin Sacks Commons, once an important land bridge for daily Kiwibot migrations, submerged due to heavier than usual rainfall on March 4. Kiwibot mothers were separated from their starving young.

“It’s truly a tragedy,” Dr. Ki W. Ibot told the Tulane Geographic. Dr. Ibot studies the campus ecosystem, an environment where the Kiwibots are on the lowest rung of the food chain. “The American Kiwibot, Kiwitus Botus Foodus, faces numerous threats in their daily lives.” 

The local Frat Guy, Fratus Business, remains the No. 1 threat, often stealing the food the Kiwibots need to give their children.

“I once saw a Kiwibot being attacked by three Frat Guys at once. I would have tried to intervene, but I was running late for a PSYC101 test. I still can’t believe I had to go all the way to Loyola for a stupid Starbucks,” freshman Freshicus Manicus said.

The Kiwibots are facing near extinction due to rising tides. Once dry areas, such as the walkway in front of the Lavin-Bernick Center and Monroe Hall, were important migration routes for the Kiwibot. Now, the heavy rain keeps the Kiwi mothers and fathers from returning to their children with freshly hunted WOW Burgers and California rolls.

Without these dry land bridges, competing species, communication majors — Commuticus Majoris — could steal the vital Cali rolls and avocado toast. The population of Kiwibots dropped from 420 in 2023 to only 69 in 2024. 

According to Ibot, without immediate intervention, the species will decline further until extinction.

The Kiwibots have a vital role in the ecosystem. To buy off predators, the Kiwis present extra food in their “trays,” what Kiwiologists call their mouths. Beneath these trays the Kiwis store the real spoils of their hunt. Without this “delivery” defense mechanism, many local species, like the freshmen, Frat Guy and Commuticius Majoris will go hungry.

“We are closely monitoring the Kiwibot population,” Tulane University said in a joint statement with TUPD. No action has been taken yet. 

“Seriously, we need to add a Starbucks on campus, I can’t take PJs anymore,” Manicus said.