This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

Between Tulane’s two aquatic mascots, there are reports of some motion in the ocean.

Earlier this week, a student staff member of the Reily Recreation Center prepared to close the building when she heard a clattering in an equipment closet near the annex basketball gym. As she approached the closed door, she reports hearing the verse of the “Helluva Hullabaloo” fight song being sung by a “weird, gargling, not recognizably human but definitely ecstatic” voice.

Needless to say, what she discovered was enough to make toes — or waves — curl. 

“I don’t think anyone could call what they were doing ‘making out,’ due to obvious anatomical limitations,” said the staff member, who wished to remain anonymous, “but I also don’t think there’s any denying that our mascots are trying to [expletive].”

Who knew that even mascots aren’t immune to the spring fever.

Tulane’s public relations staff is currently at a loss for how to deal with the situation because, on the one hand, what was witnessed was entirely inappropriate workplace behavior, and on the other, a, presumably, queer romance between campus icons the Green Wave and Riptide is kind of awesome. 

In a statement sent to students several days after the story exploded on campus, the director of athletics admitted that their administration is facing similar dilemmas; in particular, it’s unclear who the mascots report to and which rules, if any, they violated.

The admissions office, by contrast, has taken full advantage of the drama. Owen Knight, director of admissions marketing and communications, recently filmed a series of highly viewed on-the-street TikTok interviews in which Tulane students speculated about the dynamics of the mascots’ relationship. 

“Riptide gives me more submissive vibes, so I’m gonna guess he’s probably not the top,” one student says in one frequently clipped portion of the video. Her friend disagrees: “No, there is no way Riptide is gonna be the Green Wave’s little spoon. Like how could that even work, physically?”

It seems like pretty much everyone is confused.

The news also seems to have reinvigorated the Tulane Furry Club. Formerly relegated to the outskirts of Tulane society, campus furries have begun to show their pride. Since the news broke earlier this week, there have been several furry sightings in broad daylight.

The mascots themselves, however, are highly reclusive, rarely seen even individually and even less as a couple. This has led some to wonder about the status of their relationship. Is it just a hookup, or could it be something more? 

In an exclusive interview held just yesterday, the two lovebirds — only one of which is actually a bird — dished out everything students have been wanting to know. 

Riptide confessed to the Fullabaloo that “we’ve had the classic enemies to lovers arc … each of us was always trying to get in the limelight, you know, get the most cheers, but during this year’s football season, something just clicked between us.”

“He’s the whole nine yards, a total slam dunk,” said the Green Wave, gazing at Riptide with blank, unchanging eyes. 

He subsequently burst out in a rousing chorus of the Tulane fight song.