This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only. 

Tulane University announced that it will give away free tuition, room and board to all undergraduate and graduate students.

As part of President Geriatric Biden’s student debt relief plan, the U.S. Department of the Treasury printed $1 gazillion new bills for the upcoming fiscal year.

Milburn Pennybags, CEO of Monopoly Sharks Loan Company, spoke out against the new policy. 

“Without student loans, how will we, the poor millionaires and billionaires, afford basic food like sushi or wagyu beef? How will we pay for housing in $5 million mansions on St. Charles Avenue? How will we pay for transportation, like six Lambos, two Teslas and a Porsche, to get to our jobs, remote jobs we work from our summer homes in Miami?”

To help ease the loss of these companies, the U.S. Treasury gave Pennybags a check for $10,000,000. Every student would have to pay that amount to receive the benefits of the program.

“I really think this program has the opportunity to help grow the number of students attending and graduating college,” Sir Topham Hatt, an economics expert and railroad company owner, said. “RAWRRRR,” said Smaug Hays, who echoed similar sentiments.

Students say the program helps their debt concerns. Sophomore Richie Rich said, “By paying this very small amount, I get free room, board and a degree of my choosing? It’s a perfect program.”

Tulane published a helpful graphic on accepting the offer to their website, seen here: