This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

The Tulane University Service Dog Training and Education Program has been suspended from campus for promoting anti-American and diversity, equity and inclusion initiatives. President Donald Trump called the program, “radical woke leftist dogs.” 

“These radical, woke, leftist female dogs are turning our White American Sovereign Protestant kids into evil gay communist satanists in league with the globalist frogs,” Trump said in a formal address to Congress.  

“I plan on naming every TU STEP dog a foreign enemy and will have them sent back to their dog countries. German Shepards must return to Germany, Chihuahuas will go back to Mexico, and we will build a huuuugggeeee wall to keep them out,” Trump said. 

According to a statement published by TUSTEP, they “don’t even train Chihuahuas.” 

“I have no other job prospects, I need this training program to go into the dog training industry. How else will I support my main gig as an Etsy artist??” Kaylynn Blondie, a third-year art major,  

“If they had just capitulated and only trained male Golden Doodles and Golden Retrievers, then they would not have been suspended,” Fichael Mitts, Tulane President, said on Trump’s stance against TUSTEP. 

Mitts released a harsh warning to Tulane students, warning them to avoid involvement in TUSTEP. 

“Anyone found engaging in anti-American dog training programs will be investigated, forced to engage in Sig Chi hazing and then expelled,” Mitts said. 

Since the warning was issued, involvement in TUSTEP has decreased by 420%.  

“We must protect our American and Jewish dogs and their brethren,” Trump said. “This is a huuugggeee win for the American dogs, especially female dogs. Especially female dogs. I love female dogs, no one loves female dogs more than me. Female dogs.” 

As of now, the TUSTEP website has removed all DEI initiatives from their website, including images of multicolored dogs such as Australian Shepherds, Border Collies and Beagles.  

“How can dogs be multiple colors?” Trump said. “No, seriously, how is that possible? They must be a product of illegal aliens.”