This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
In a recent move criticized by some as anti-gay, President Donald Trump issued an executive order April 1 instructing the Fruity Drug Annihilator (FDA) to ban all sales and recreational consumption of poppers, a recreational drug known to relax the anal muscles.
Poppers will be removed from all Louisiana stores starting May 2025, leading local novelty store The Mushroom to prepare for a drastic decrease in sales. According to financial reports, The Mushroom makes 92% of its revenue on the party drug, the other 8% coming from the sale of “whipped cream canisters” around Mardi Gras.
Poppers were popularized on Tulane University’s campus last spring after a record high admission of bi-curious young men. The uptick in sales directly corresponded with the release of Jeremy Allen White’s Calvin Klein advertisement, in which he appears shirtless and smoldering.
Members of the Alpha Omicron chapter of Sigma Chi reported experiencing severe anal “tightness” after the recent ban. The men insist it is unrelated to the recent legislation.
Sig Chi sweetheart Inieda Dick said she’s impressed with the new anti-popper legislation.
“I’ve never seen their fists so clean,” Dick said.
Adult stores across New Orleans experienced incredibly high sales of cherry-flavored lube this week.
“We’re completely sold out of vegetable oil,” Rouses spokesperson Dicksin Yorphace said in an interview with the Fullabaloo on Monday, March 31. “As well as honey, butter and high-mile motor oil.”
The White House hosted a press conference this week following the announcement of the ban. Young men donning dangly earrings were forced to watch the conference from outside the building.
“The woke-left is trying to indoctrinate young frat boys into being gay by shoving nail polish up their noses. Anal sex should be reserved for respectable women trying to spice it up in the bedroom in an attempt to cling onto their wealthy husbands,” White House press secretary Karloine Leaveitt InmyButt said in reference to her and her husband.
Troye Sivan visited local watering hole, The Boot, on Saturday to protest what he called “biphobic” legislation.
“All members of the Sigma Chi Alpha Omicron chapter should retain their constitutional right to feel the rush,” Sivan said in a press conference.
Moments before the celebrity appearance, Sivan was seen waddling out of the third floor of the Phi Gamma Delta (FIJI) apartments, throwing away two bottles of extra virgin olive oil before reporters approached him.
FIJI social chair Hugh Janus did not respond to comment, instead farting multiple times as he stormed away.
“Tulane University is dedicated to maintaining a safe environment for fraternal members to experiment with each other and their sexualities. Tulane hole-heartedly condemns participating in rectum activities without proper loosification beforehand,” Tulane spokesperson My Pecker said in a statement to the Fullabaloo.
