This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.

It is bulking season, and the incoming pledge class of Sigma Alpha Epsilon was reportedly seen running south down McAlister Place after the nearby Shake Smart was broken into. At least 25 containers of protein powder were gone following the break-in on Saturday.

An anonymous tip to The Hullabaloo revealed the contents of a GroupMe message to PC-25 from the SAE pledge master, which read, “Shake Smart shelves are looking too full. Protein powder to house in 30.” 

SAE is known nationally for having one of the highest rates of hazing. Chapters have been subject to permanent closure across the nation. 

The heist took longer than expected, according to the anonymous tip, and the message was followed by, “HOUSE NOW. Those who are late, come with overnight bags.” Thirty-one minutes after the break-in, five SAE freshman pledges were seen leaving Monroe distraught with small duffel bags. 

All but one of the pledges seen leaving Monroe agreed to make a statement. “We are just sleeping at an upperclassmen’s tonight,” freshman Brett Jones said. “Also, I just hit a personal record on my deadlift. Put that in the story.” 

“The same boys I saw painting the steps of 1200 Broadway St. for Mardi Gras have frequented the Reily Center every day since the Shake Smart break in,” Reily Recreation Center front desk attendant Sarah Wilson said. 

The PC has been increasingly in correspondence, sharing positive messages to hype up the boys on their “bulk journey.” The Reily Center’s gym mirrors have been put to use, being featured on various private stories where post-lift images are exclusively uploaded. 

Captions are often along the lines of, “Protein pre-workout hits // seeing changes // su if you want workout details.” It is unclear if a woman has ever responded to these posts. 

Neighboring Ring cameras have caught students throwing what seems to be empty Shake Smart protein containers in the garbages at Kappa Alpha fraternity. It appears police did not consider investigating KA for the stolen powder, as “no one goes there anyway.” 

Shake Smart smoothie sales have concurrently skyrocketed. Perhaps they should have considered laying off on the protein powder sooner.

And to PC ‘25 – Good luck on the bulk, boys. 

This is a developing story. Check Fizz for updates.