This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.  

Following the replacement of the Office of Equity, Diversity and Inclusion, Tulane University is taking more steps to comply with Trump administration guidelines for academic exclusion. The investigations by the U.S. Department of Education made Tulane’s leadership come to the realization that they were not doing nearly enough to honor white history, and far too much to make people of color feel safe and included.

President Mike Fitts announced this Friday that the university will begin to rename all buildings on campus to icons of Louisiana antebellum history and politics. He explained in the statement that this decision was made “in consideration of threats to revoke millions of dollars in federal funding.” These funds are essential to continue operations as an incredibly expensive private university — a change that was originally made to block non-white students from admittance — even though the institution receives thousands of salaries and souls from students and their families every year.  

After the 2024 reopening of Paul Hall, named after Paul Tulane, who founded the university with money inherited from his father’s plantation in Haiti, the school realized that “there are so many Confederates that gave and continue to give money to Tulane, who deserve to be honored with a building.” 

Buildings currently named for Confederates, segregationists or other super honorable white people will, of course, retain their names.  

This includes Gibson Hall, named after Randall Lee Gibson, a Confederate general who strongly opposed the school’s integration; Hebert Hall, named after F. Edward Hébert, a Dixiecrat and anti-integrationist whose family continues to donate to the school; Howard-Tilton Memorial Library, partially named after Charles T. Howard, a Confederate admirer who was honored postmortem with the Confederate Museum on Camp Street; and Dinwiddie Hall, named after previous president of the university and briefly Confederate secretary of war Albert Bledsoe Dinwiddie. 

“They don’t even really need to be connected to Tulane,” Fitts reported in his statement. “We’re considering Robert E. Lee since he had such a huge impact in New Orleans and Louisiana, and Trump himself is even on the table, honorable white man that he is.”  

There has been no official number for how much money Tulane will be spending on this renaming process, but Fitts reassured readers that “it will egregiously expensive, but you guys can afford it — right?” 

Fitts also claims that the administrative board is working double time to evaluate which white men most deserve to be honored by your valuable tuition dollars. While we wait for more updates to come, members of the Tulane community should keep their eyes peeled for information on new names for their beloved buildings.