This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
Tulane University sent an email this week announcing that it is implementing a new office in the wake of recent Trump administration threats to federal funding: The Office of Caucasian Appreciation.
“We just thought this was a long time coming,” said Tulane President Michael Fitts. “It’s time the majority, if not entirety, of this university is represented fairly. It’s a really scary time to be a white person right now, and they need to be appreciated.”
The office will be alongside the newly announced Office of Academic Excellence and Opportunity, which replaced the Office of Equity, Diversity and Inclusion earlier this month. According to Tulane spokesperson Robin E. Lee, this has nothing to do with the Trump administration.
“We are definitely not scared of losing hundreds of millions of dollars,” Lee said. “Nothing really major is changing on campus; we’re just going to be separate, but like, equal.”
Recently, federal immigration authorities have been detaining students on college campuses and placing them in deportation proceedings. Tulane students share a similar fear of Immigration and Customs Enforcement officers.
“My parents are immigrants from England, so we’re all going through a really difficult time,” senior Chad McConnell said. “I’ve stopped making my beans on toast breakfast in the Commons to avoid being spotted by government officials.”
Tulane had undergone immense preparation to combat the expected backlash but was surprised to see zero student protests regarding the Office of Caucasian Appreciation. Now, the university must decide what to do with the thousands of barricades positioned around the entire campus.
“We heard so much cheering from students all across campus when we sent out a campus-wide email that was extremely vague and written by ChatGPT,” Lee said. “Oh, did I mention nothing really is changing? This is just a new name for an office. Nothing is changing. It’s just a name. Nothing is changing.”
The response was so positive that even Greek organizations celebrated. Mu Alpha Gamma Alpha threw an impromptu darty after the email went out called, “Rock out with your Cauc out.”
“I think this is a great new addition to Tulane; I mean, I never saw white people on the website for the Office of EDI, oh I mean, Office of, I actually don’t know the new name,” Joe Kernel said. “So we just wanted a little kickback with the boys. We had some White Claws and played Morgan Wallen. It was a Grand Ole Party.”
“White culture is real,” McConnell said. “Clapping when the plane lands. Mayonnaise-based salads. Cream cheese. These things are important to my family, so they should be important to everyone.”
