This article is entirely satire. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
NEW ORLEANS, LA — In a rare and momentous update, the New Orleans Department of Public Works held a press conference on Mike Fitts’ Instagram story early Thursday morning to share some long-awaited news. Broadway Street construction will be — possibly— completed by May 2075. However, as officials emphasized, this date is “tentative, flexible and dependent on how our football team does this upcoming season.”
Broadway Street, sometimes known as “Frat Row” or “the street where your loser ex-boyfriend’s frat is,” has been under construction since approximately the Big Bang. The road’s bumpy, uneven-surfaced status has been a source of scandal for Tulane University students, local residents and directionally challenged Uber Drivers alike.
“We want to assure the public we’re taking our time,” said DPW spokesperson Sandy Gravel. “Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was Broadway Street.”
This announcement was met with a lot of backlash from residents in the neighborhood. Seth Goldberg, a fifth-year senior who is the brotherhood chair of Zeta Beta Tau, expressed cautious optimism. Seth, also known as “speed substance Seth” by his fellow ZBT “brothers,” was eager to express his thoughts. “Yeah, um, the street construction has been lowkey not chill for brotherhood events. We usually all lay shirtless on the roof together and tan, but the construction noises are so not the vibe.”
The street is infamously known for housing the highest density of frat houses per square foot in Louisiana. “You haven’t really hit all the frats until you fall into the literal sinkhole in front of Zeta,” said Sarah Sunshine, a sophomore in Chi Omega.
DPW did offer one concrete timeline. Gravel stated, “We work on the days Ashtin Earle is seen in New Orleans. But when she’s in Miami or at Coachella, we take the day off to watch her TikTok vlogs.”
In the meantime, construction will continue at its usual pace: sporadic, ambiguous and accompanied by large amounts of dust and jackhammers at 6 a.m. only on Saturdays. Stay tuned for further updates from the Department of Public Works.
